Thread: joke of the day
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Old 03-11-2017, 07:43 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mum.

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Whatís Batmanís favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA
Grapefruit.

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Just seen a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
He said heíll be fine, heís just going through a rough patch.

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Iím not saying my credit record is bad, but the bank wouldnít even lend me a pen to fill in my loan application!

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Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey and Dustin Hoffman walk into an Irish themed pub in New York.
The bartender says, "Oh no, not Yewtree again!"

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My girlfriend asked me if I fancied some domination and humiliation games, so I agreed.

Now we're married.

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I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two."

She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

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I asked this Geordie what time Lidl was open.
He said "Aldi"
I said "No. Lidl"

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Ian Brady ashes buried at sea in a weighted urn.
No one will ever find his remains.

How wonderfully ironic.

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When my mum was in labour, my head got stuck in her fanny and the midwife had to pull me out.
That's how excited I was to see my little brother.

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My daughter came running in and said, "Daddy, I've just seen two fairies at the bottom of the garden."
Humouring her I said, "Really, what were they doing?"
She said, "Sucking each other's cocks."

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I think Iíve got a solution to all these sexual harassment claims. Itís so simple I canít figure out why no one else thought of it! What if we make women wear head to toe shapeless robes (in black of course as itís slimming), and maybe a headdress to cover their faces. Additionally if theyíre meeting a man theyíre chaperoned by a member of their family at all times. Iím pretty sure thatíll do the trick.
Oh, hang on a minute.........

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Well the sun came out today so I thought I'd give my bike a quick blast.
I saw two girls while I was out and thought I'd impress them by popping a wheelie. I pulled up beside them and put the beast on its stand.
They giggled as I removed my helmet and unzipped my leather jacket.
But I think it was the way I threw my bicycle clips into the front basket that made them go weak at the knees.

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My teenage daughter was getting distraught about her breasts not developing.
"It's nothing to worry about, your mother's breasts are tiny," I said to her.
"Yes," she replied. "But look what she ended up with."

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