Thread: joke of the day
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Old 01-11-2017, 02:37 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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I don't mean to brag but I just ate my dinner without taking a picture of it first.

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Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all going for a job as a code breaker for Scotland yard. Their first test is to pick the odd one out from 3 objects. A cabbage, a potato and a knife.
The Englishman walks in and the interviewer asks him which is the odd one out.
The Englishman replies, “The knife, because the other 2 are vegetables.” He passes the test and is told to send the 2nd man in.
The Scotsman enters and after being asked he also replies, “The knife, because the other 2 are foods.” He passes and is asked to send the Irishman in.
When asked the odd one out he replies, “The cabbage!” The interviewer says, “What, how did you get that answer?”
The Irishman replies, “Well, you can make chips with the other two!"

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Last night the doorbell rang and there was a little kid dressed as Gloria Gaynor.
At first I was afraid........Then I was petrified!

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Last Night I saw a host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.
It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.

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What do you call a woman who's trying to get to the front of a crowd?
Jocelyn.

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I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in the bed the other day.
Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

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As I watched the TV this morning I was horrified by what I saw. Why are we subjected to this first thing in the morning?
The twisted mangled wreck of a bike. What a massive cunt!
But anyway. Enough about Katie Price.

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My Muslim neighbour knocked on my door today, she asked, "Have you seen Maheed lately?"
"Nope," I replied, "just your eyes."

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Las Vegas and Scunthorpe:- the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips....

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My wife's got Parkinson's disease.
She's always asking me questions.

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What's the point of carrying out a terrorist attack near Ground Zero?
It's like receiving a goat from an ISIS member - you know it's been fucked before.

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Darts, the only sport where the players have bigger tits than the promo girls.

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I'm going to sue my mother for sexual assault!
When I was a newborn baby she made me suck her tits....

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Thank goodness for that... Stoptober is over!
It's time to get some serious training and practice in for " cannae remember December."

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The bloke who stole the EastEnders Christmas script is selling it at £4000.
That's like buying the world's most expensive toilet paper and finding somebody's already smeared shit over it.

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Apparently Boko Haram have been kidnapping Nigerian children, fuck me!, what happened to all the royalties from "Whiter Shade of Pale!"

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"We're going to be together for the rest of our lives," smiled my girlfriend as we flew out to our dream holiday in Hawaii.
"You seem pretty sure of yourself," I replied.
"I am," she said, gazing out the window. "The left wing's fallen off and the engine's on fire."

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I think it's a shame that young people today no longer even know why we celebrate Halloween.
None of us would be here today if Jesus hadn't slain that giant pumpkin.

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