Thread: joke of the day
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Old 31-10-2017, 06:58 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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I'm not saying my wife's ugly, but she went next door to tell them to keep the noise down and she came back with some sweets.

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My daughter asked "Why is the soap in the shower hanging on a rope?"
I replied "Because it's seen your mother naked"

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Success is like pregnancy... Everyone congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

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What bounces and makes kids cry?
My donation cheque to Children in Need.

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I pulled this bird last night and took her back to my place. When I woke up this morning, she was holding a picture "Is this your wife?" she asked with a frown. "Yes it is" I said "She's died" "Oh my God!" she said "I'm so sorry. How did your children take it?" "I haven't told them yet" I replied "they stayed at their Nan's last night"

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I hate people who can't let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.

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I pulled a bird the last night and took her back to my house. As I lay back on the bed, she slowly unbuttoned my jeans and said, "Fancy a blow job?"
"Of course", I replied, "but I must warn you, the last girl gagged on my cock."
"Oooo! Big is it?" She giggled.
"No, I never wash it."

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An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing family. Englishman says, "My son was born on St George's Day so I called him George!" "What a coincidence!" says the Scotsman, "My son was born on St Andrews Day so I called him Andrew!" "Jaysus!" says the Irishman, "That's fucking amazing!, wait 'til I go home and tell our son, Pancake!

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I'll never forget the time I had to use an oxygen mask for a Ryanair flight.
It was just after the help-desk told me the extra baggage fees.

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Theresa may on sex pest ministers: "MPs could have the whip withdrawn" Well that might be a start Theresa but you should probably confiscate the rest of their sex toys as well.

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I came into the living room and the kids has the telly on. My missus was talking to her friend when I piped up, "I've always wanted to be in Miley Cyrus". "You mean you have always wanted to be in the show, 'Hannah Montana' STARRING Miley Cyrus, you fucking idiot" she said, laughing with her friend. I know what I meant.

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