Thread: joke of the day
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Old 30-10-2017, 06:23 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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I was walking down the road when I suddenly thought..
Who picks up a guide dog’s shit?

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What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
Annette.

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I was in Toys R Us today when I noticed a really long queue. I asked a member of staff, "What's happening there mate?" He said, "That's the Barbie queue." Then like a dick, I stood in it for forty five minutes trying to get a burger.

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What do you call an elevator filled with intelligent, slim, polite people?
A lift.

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Halloween.
The only time paedophiles get home delivery.

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I found a badly injured owl in our garden last night so I tried to put it out of its misery. Took three fucking hours to wring its neck.

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Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.
She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year!

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Lewis Hamilton isn't the only F1 driver with a Scottish town in his name. There's also..Stirling Moss, Eddie Irvine, Johnny Dumfries and Ayr toon centre.

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Well, well, well... Welcome to stutter class.

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With Halloween coming up, my kids and I were looking through some old family photo albums. "Here's one with granddad dressed as a ghost," laughed my daughter. "I remember that," I said, "But it was weird how all his mates would dress as ghosts too."

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I phoned the jaundice clinic.
"Yellow...." said the receptionist.

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I gave my grandad some money because he said he badly needed some surgery doing. I walked into his house today and caught him shagging a young blonde woman on the sofa. "Bloody hell, grandad!" I said, "You promised me that you'd spend that money on the surgery that you desperately needed...." "I did," he replied, "doesn't your Nan look great!?"

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What's a necrophiliac's favourite kind of woman?
A chilly 'un.

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In an effort to improve our home life I promised my wife I would shower her with love.
Apparently, jerking-off on her while she’s asleep doesn’t count.
It’s the spare room again tonight.

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I told my boss that someone was stealing my sandwiches so he told me to I should do something to try and catch the thief out. So I told him today how I'd wiped my arse on the bread and spunked all over the cheese. "Hahaha! Brilliant! Did you see who the thief was?" he asked "Nobody stole them today" I said "So I had them myself"

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Scientists have found that dogs and humans share a lot of DNA.
This explains why my wife's a bitch, my kids hate a bath and if I could I would lick my own bollocks.

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I dream of a better tomorrow when chickens can cross the road & not be questioned about their motives.

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Sadly, the town where I live has developed a massive drugs problem over the last few years. I can't get any gear from anywhere.

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My boss just told me I've won the employee of the month.
I don't even remember buying a raffle ticket, but I hope it's Carol in the office, she's got massive tits.

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