Thread: joke of the day
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Old 26-10-2017, 09:24 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.

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After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.

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My girlfriend just sent me a text: "I will get my son into bed at 7pm tonight, then we can watch porn and have sex, how does that sound? xxx"
I texted back: "It's up to you, he's your son, as long as I can watch? xxx"

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Paddy is going really well on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He's got to £500,000 with all his lifelines.
Chris: OK Paddy, for £1,000,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:-
Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie O'Sullivan
Ronnie Corbett
Ronnie Wood
Take your time
Paddy: I'll take the money Chris
Chris: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines
Paddy: I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money
Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go Paddy I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.
Paddy: I know the answer Chris.
Chris: You know the answer? You've just turned down a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?
Paddy: I may be mental Chris but I'm no feckin grass.

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Paddy goes into a builder’s yard and orders 20,000 bricks.
"May I ask what you're building?" asks the man behind the counter.
"Yes, it's going to be a barbecue."
“That’s a lot of bricks just for one barbecue," he says.
Paddy says "Not really - I live on the 18th floor."

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I thought I saw my father-in-law in drag yesterday.
But it was just my wife without makeup.

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I've always been extremely proud that my father followed long family tradition and named his first born after himself.
My sister Reginald hates it though...

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The Sunday Sport once reported a bus had been found on the moon.
The Mail on Sunday reported it was driven by an illegal immigrant and it was forty minutes late.

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A couple of Jehovah's Witnesses tried to trick their way into my house but I told them to fuck off.
Sneaky cunts, dressing up in police uniforms and telling me they've got a warrant!

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The Pope has been talking to astronauts on the International Space Station: The first time the silly old cunt has spoken to someone in the heavens that actually exists.

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What's got a big orange head and scares people?
A trumpkin.

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"Your eyes look red," said the cop, "have you been smoking weed?"
"Your eyes look glazed," I replied, "have you been eating donuts?"

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I fancied a change today and one of my colleagues suggested during my lunch break I should try 'Five Guys'.
Not a good idea, this afternoon I'm starving and my arse is really really sore.

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I didn't see much of myself in my newborn daughter until I babysat her last night. At feeding time I made up a bottle for her. She drank far too much, then burped, threw up and fell asleep. Now I see the resemblance.

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