Thread: joke of the day
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Old 15-10-2017, 12:29 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Today I looked at my wife and thought.
This is the only investment which has doubled in my lifetime.

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The landlord at my local pub announced there's going to be a hefty cash prize for this years best costume for Halloween.
Last year my wife won it and she only fucking came to pick me up.

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I'll never forget the day, 26th March 2015. A spaceship landed and I was approached by an alien who gave me six numbers. "Use these on your lotto, " he said, "I will return in one week, please be here. " So I rushed off and used the numbers on the lottery. They were shit, not a fucking penny. So I went to the meeting place a week later and sure enough the craft landed again and the alien approached me, "Well I said, those numbers were a waste of time, what the fuck was all that about?" "We've been studying your language and customs for many years now, " replied the alien, "April fool you cunt."

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My mate did'nt think having six fingers was much of a deformity.
Till I pointed out they were on his foot.

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So New York has built a 'Park in the sky' then?
Hope it works better than their 'Airport in a skyscraper' idea.

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About 18 months ago, my son came to me with a problem. Dad, my girlfriend wants to get married, she is nice, and really pretty, but i do not love her. I love someone else. She insists we get married, and will not leave. I thought about it and said. "Go kinky. Keep trying weird stuff until you find something she hates, and leaves." a few months later, he come to me again. "it didn't work. I tried everything i could find. Golden showers, gimp masks, ponytail butt plugs, anal, Cleveland Steamers, Rubber play, leather, i even asked her for a lesbian show, she brought home a girl from work.... Dogging, asphyxiation.... Dad, she even fucked the dog. She still wants to get married. She is obsessed with it." "I don't love her though. I love another girl." Eventually,i came up with a solution. And he and his new stepmother get on very well.

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When I was a kid my dad used to always hit me with his camera...
I still get flashbacks!

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What do you get if you cross a motorway with a fridge?
Run over.

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