Thread: joke of the day
View Single Post
  #1254  
Old 11-10-2017, 05:59 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,766
Default

I'm not saying my wife's fat or anything, but the longest diet she's ever been on was the 15 minute walk to the cake shop!

..................

Bought a pedometer the other day, it came with step by step instructions.

..................

B.B.C News :The Vatican is still against surrogate mothers.
Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

..................

Tantric Sex practitioners have developed a new technique called 'The Brexit'. You try to pull out, but end up getting fucked twice as hard as before, it drags on forever, and both parties end up completely unsatisfied.

...................

Sex has gone downhill with the wife, so I bought her a dildo.
"It looks like a carrot!" she said.
Which is ironic as her fanny looks like a donkey yawning.

...................

I rang my boss earlier "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter" I asked.
"I don't know" he replied.
"I'm not coming in this morning" I said.

....................

I was walking through Bradford when all of a sudden 10 Asians jumped out and started chasing me. I ran as fast as I could but they still caught me. The sat me down, shouted, "Allahu Akbar" then cut my hair, trimmed my beard and moistened my skin, whilst another applied aftershave and seaweed facial pack. Fucking Muslim Grooming Gang.

....................

I was stood in the chemist and I said to the lady behind the counter. "Do you have anything that will clear up diarrhea?"
"We have some Imodium plus." She replied.
"No, I don't think you understood my question - I just shit on your floor"

....................

I thought my luck had turned when I saw two magpies.
Then I got run over by a woman named Joy.

.....................

"Dad, " said my son, "I don't know how to break this to you, I love you and I don't want to hurt you, but I have to be myself and I can't live a lie anymore. I'm gay. "
"Oh my God, thank fuck for that son, " I replied, "I thought you were going to say you were a vegan. "

.....................

My Gran has just been given 2-3 months to live.
She's just had the letter about the 8% gas increase.

.....................

Almost all serial killers are men.
That's because women prefer to kill one man slowly over many many years.

.....................

I'm starting to think that maybe the gym isn't really for me.
I was in this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups and woke up 2 hours later.

.....................

"Police offer 50,000 bounty for UK's most wanted killer"
I thought Tony Blair had state immunity for the Iraq War.

.....................

My wife bought me a fitness DVD called "10 Steps To The Body You Deserve". It should be pretty easy, it takes me 4 steps just to get to the DVD player.

.....................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote