Thread: joke of the day
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Old 06-10-2017, 03:17 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,606
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Friday is my second favourite F word.

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Winter is coming....
That time of year where the poor have to make tough choices between feeding their kids, heating the house, or getting a massive new tattoo.

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My penis is a lot like a toaster.
If the crumpet is too fat, it won't pop up.

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Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber.
He died recently, surrounded by his family.

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I looked outside and it was pissing it down.
I thought, 'Fuck it, I'm not going out in that. I'll pick the kids up from school tomorrow.'

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I was telling Dave how my time machine experiment went drastically wrong when I went back in time & ended up inadvertently having sex with my own mother.
"Oh shit, so you could be your own father then?" he asked
"Well not really, I only went back two days"

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27 years later, my wife still looks just the same as she did at our wedding... Mouth full of cake.

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As I stood swaying from side to side at the British Airways ticket desk last night, the guy looked at me and said, "Can I help?" "Yes," I slurred, unzipping my superman costume and pulling my wallet out, "One ticket to Amsterdam please." "You're unable to fly, sir." he replied, "You're far too drunk." I said, "I know mate, that's why I'm getting a plane."

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Have you noticed that wives do not want to hear what you think.
Wives want to hear what they think but in a deeper voice.

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Historians: Prince Harry marrying Meghan Markle would be groundbreaking. Not because she's mixed-race or divorced, but because they're not related.

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Knock Knock
'Who's there?'
'Its me Jesus, let me in'
'Why do you want to be let in?'
'I want to save you!'
'Save me from what?'
'From what I'll do to you if you don't let me in'

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