Thread: joke of the day
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Old 02-10-2017, 06:26 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Posts: 7,614
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What's got no teeth and smells?
The gearbox in the wife's car...

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Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 6 years.
It's now a supermarket!

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RIP Diane Abbott.
Oh Sorry it's Hugh Hefner who died.
I thought it said Huge Heifer.

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I was trying to get home in time for the football, but I was being held up by a learner driver.
She was driving very slowly and kept stalling. "Come on, you stupid twat!" I shouted. "Get a fucking move on!"
She started crying and said it would be her last lesson with me.

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I'm not allowed to smoke in the car with my 8 year old son anymore, but it will do his long term health the world of good.
Now the fat bastard has got to walk to school.

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My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them.
So I did that, and now I feel much better.
But do I keep the letters?

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I was reading an article on Autoerotic Asphyxiation and thought I'd give it a try. I climbed in a wardrobe and tied a belt round my neck and on the top rail, then I set about spanking the monkey furiously. I lost my footing and passed out. Next thing I knew was this blinding light and a guy with a white beard standing over me. I said "are you Saint Peter".
He said "no. I'm the Homebase manager, now fuck off out of my store".

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I’ve just been fired from my job at the clock-making factory…
After all those extra hours I put in.

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Great news for Ryanair: monarch have loads of desperate, redundant pilots!

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What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.

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BBC News: "God will tell me when to flee Bali Volcano."
Natural Selection at work...

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Those who say a border wall can't work in the US just need to look at Israel. No Mexicans there.

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What's worse than 50 dead Americans?
Tighter gun laws.

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Saw a bloke today whose girlfriend was a midget.
I thought "There's a pedophile that has found a loophole"

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I think I first realised that my drinking had got out of control when my doctor referred me to a Bacardiologist.

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Theresa May says she wants to increase the prison sentence for animal cruelty while she hopes to repeal the fox hunting ban.
The silly old cow wants to ride a horse traveling in two directions.

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