Thread: joke of the day
View Single Post
  #1244  
Old 01-10-2017, 12:15 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,609
Default

I remember once standing at the front of the class with a bodybag and unzipping it to reveal a dead Pakistani who had been run over by a HGV.
Everybody reeled back in horror, including the teacher.
Apparently I had misunderstood when she said bring in an example of a Crustacean.

.....................

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me.
My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take her ages but eventually, there she was standing beside me.
I gave her a loving smile and said: "Get that trolley over here love.
They're doing 12 packs of Stella three for the price of two."

.....................

Israel is determined not to let the world forget the Holocaust, so they're staging an ongoing re-enactment in Palestine.

.....................

“You’re not Neil Diamond!”, the man exclaimed.
“I am”, I said.

.....................

People compare Donald Trump and Hitler all the time.
I think it's unfair - clearly there's a major difference.
Hitler was good at making speeches.

.....................

I love to shave with a new razor. It reminds me of making love to a beautiful woman for the first time.
All the excitement, a little blood, and I am holding a razor.

.....................

My wife says i only have two faults.
1: apparently i don't listen.
2: some other shit she was banging on about?

.....................

There is now an Eastern European section in all major supermarkets.
It's called 'The Staffroom.'

.....................

"You haven't completed the 'Sexual Orientation' box," said the interviewer. "I know," I replied, "I didn't understand the question." "Well," he explained, "if you find women sexually attractive, you are heterosexual. If it's men, you're homosexual. If you find both attractive, you're bisexual. And if you aren't attracted to men or women, you are asexual." "Put down 'asexual' then" I replied, gazing longingly at his border collie.

.....................

I wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work?

.....................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote