Thread: joke of the day
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Old 30-09-2017, 02:59 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
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Last night after a few beers my mate asked if he could stay on my sofa.
I had to explain to him that I'm married now so that's where I sleep.

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"Black really is slimming on you, you've never looked sexier" I assured the missus.
"Turn the light back on you twat!" she replied.

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Me and the wife went up to the Ryanair check-in desk. The clerk said, "Do you have reservations?"
I replied "Yes, but we're flying with you anyway!"

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A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. "For fuck's sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!" "Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep"

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I bumped into my ex at the pub last night.
"When I'm with my new girlfriend, I often think about you," I said.
"Really," she smiled.
"Yes," I replied, "it stops me from coming too quickly."

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Just a bit of dating advice for Plenty Of Fish users.
Never use more than one of the woman's' interests for date ideas.
When I met up with the girl who liked baby seals and clubbing it didn't end well.

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Trying to find a fit girl in my area is similar to crazy golf.
You want the perfect hole, but your ball always end up bouncing around some hippos teeth.

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My boss asked me to stencil out numbers 1 to 10 in the car parking spaces. When he came out he asked, "Why is there a number 2 between the 5 and 6?"
I said, "Sorry, I was desperate and there was someone in the toilet."

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