Thread: joke of the day
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Old 26-09-2017, 02:09 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Call the wife beautiful 100 times & she won't notice!
Call her fat once & she will never forget!
That's because elephants never forget.

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Was on a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said "Is King Kong Coming?"
I said "No itís just the paste off my brush"

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I've learnt a life lesson today.

Next time I walk into the house and see my wife crying, I'm not going to say, "Is it because of your new haircut?"

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What song is played at a Jehovah's witness' funeral?
Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door.

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You know why Bruce Willis keeps making the same films.
You know what they say about old habits.

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I've been dating a homeless girl for a while now, it's going really well.
I'm thinking about moving out with her.

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The German Election:
5 million Germans vote for the hard right and Mrs Merkel becomes worried.
10 million Germans vote for the hard right and the Jews become worried.
20 million Germans vote for the hard right and everyone in Poland becomes worried.

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Women always say they are looking for the bigger picture but when I send it to them over whatsapp they call me a pervert and tell me to fuck off.

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Apparently the reason they are called the French Foreign Legion is because the concept of fighting is foreign to them.

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Whatever you do don't go and see IT.
It's got fuck all to do with information technology, just Ronald McDonald killing kids, but not with cheese burgers this time.

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After sex there's nothing worse than looking down and seeing that limp, spunk-filled condom hanging off the end of your dick...
Especially when you hadn't put one on.

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They must hate Spurs in the Caribbean.
Harry Kane's been tearing through their defences.

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After a few pints down at the local, talk got round to who had the most expensive watch.
I showed mine first. "That's a Rolex Oyster, worth two and a half grand," I grinned.
My mate John smiled and proudly pointed to his wrist. "This is a white gold Patek Phillipe. I paid the best part of twenty grand for it."
Dave rolled up his sleeve to show his watch. "What do you think of that then? It cost me £200,000."
Me and John stared a while then I said, "Dave, Thats a Casio."
"I know," he sighed. "My ex-wife bought it for me then found it in her sister's bed."

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I married my wife for her long legs and big tits.
Now she has long tits and big legs.

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I saw a guy with a really cool bacon tattoo on his face.
"Where did you get that?" I asked.
"In a house fire," he sighed.

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