Thread: joke of the day
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Old 23-09-2017, 07:08 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,614
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“Now you're married how’s your sex life?”
“A bit like my Ferrari”
“You haven’t got a Ferrari”
“Exactly.......”

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A woman's orgasm is like the weekend. It seems to take ages to get there then when it finally arrives you're too tired to enjoy it

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I was an award-winning swimmer when I was a lot younger.
A sperm cell, to be precise.

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In divorce women have all the rights and men have all the lefts...
Left homeless.
Left penniless.
Left childless.
Left for another man.

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I fucked my missus froggy style last night.
It's just like doggy style but you aim an inch higher and watch how high she leaps.

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The wife of the couple next door has just given birth to Siamese twins.
My missus has just knitted a W neck Cardigan as a gift.

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Just been promoted to a new position within Yorkshire council. My job requires me to find suitable land to build houses for our ever increasing Sikh community.
I'm t'urban development officer.

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A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon. I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.
I thought, fuck me, I might win this.

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More people have died taking selfies than shark attacks, You have to love natural selection ..

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I just bought a new "intuitive" car stereo powered by Cortana.
I said 'country' and it started playing Johnny Cash
I said 'rap' and it played Eminem
I was so busy trying it out that I almost knocked down two little boys that had ran onto the road.
Fucking kids, I murmured and the stereo started playing Gary Glitter.

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"He shoots, he scores" has never made any sense to me.
In my my world I need to score before I can shoot.

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Pentagon - US flew nuclear-capable B-1B bombers just off coast of North Korea.
Well, it's really close to Nagasaki and Hiroshima in Japan, so they already know the flight plan really well ..

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Today I found myself having to argue that "breast is best" while having breakfast at the local cafe.
The waitress replied, "Sir, I can top up your coffee with milk from the jug, or you can get the fuck out."

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BREAKING NEWS The inventor of the red card has sadly passed away.
He was given a good send off.

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