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Grav 18-08-2015 05:55 PM

It's Sunday morning and little Johnny asks his dad if he can go fishing. "Sorry son" said his dad, "but it's Sunday so you have to go to Church". Little Johnny protested but his father sent him off to Church. When he was there, the Vicar asked the children why they were there and he got to little Johnny. "I wanted to go fishing but my dad sent me here instead" he told the Vicar. "And do you know why he sent you here?" asked the Vicar. "Yes" replied little Johnny, "it's because he didn't have enough bait for two".

Grav 18-08-2015 05:57 PM

I went on to an online dating site recently. I said that I enjoy cooking, my family and my dog. Which would have sounded great had I not forgotten the comma.

Things were looking up for me as I met a lovely young lady through it. Unfortunately she split up with me as she said I'm obsessed with rugby. I asked her if we could give it one last try but she kicked me into touch.

I set up a business making whoopee cushions. I employed two people but I had to let one go.

A friend has offered to give me a lift to the Madness concert but I turned them down as I like driving in my car.

Grav 18-08-2015 06:03 PM

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the
limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and
with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your
hurry?" to which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said
the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up
to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work
from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?" he asked.

She replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket £95.00
Court Costs. £45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS

Sir Ewok 19-08-2015 01:14 PM

My mate asked me why I have sex noises saved on my ipod.

I said, "It's for sound effects during sex."

He asked, "Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?"

I replied, "No, I work in a morgue."

................................

I asked the woman next door if she had a ginger pussy.

She slapped me and slammed the door in my face.

She must have seen me reverse over the little twat.

.................................

My son asked me recently, "Where do babies come from Dad"

"Out of Mum's tummy," I explained.

"How do they get out," He then asked.

"Mummy has a special hole between her legs," I said to him.

"Well she's having another, I saw her feeding it a whole cucumber," he replied.

.................................

The worst thing about masturbating over a porn mag is the newsagent asking you to take it outside.

..................................

I've just been watching F1 in ultra 4k HD.

Wow, those blurs as they went past were a lot clearer.

.................................

My wife asked why I carry a gun around the house.
Decepticons I told her.
She laughed, I laughed, the toaster and the coffee machine laughed too

...................................

My paraplegic girlfriend has asked if we can slow things down in the bedroom department.

I've just finished installing a set of speed bumps.

..................................

The Female Viagra apparently has the side affects of nausea, dizziness and sleepiness.

How in the hell will I ever know if my My wife has actually taken the pill.

.................................

I've had to apologise for saying my girlfriend is controlling in our relationship.

If she wants to charge her phone she can do.

It's the hospitals fault for only providing one plug for my ventilator.

She's the best girlfriend in the wo

...................................

What's the difference between a Bangkok shrine and a Drag-car race?

Nothing.

Either one you're likely to see an exploding tranny.

.......................................

I am a recovering alcoholic,I have a hangover.

.......................................

:confused:;):):D:o

Friar Tuck 20-08-2015 05:31 AM

I have no problem with drinking! I drink! I get drunk! I fall down! No Problem!.......

Sir Ewok 20-08-2015 12:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Friar Tuck (Post 656876)
I have no problem with drinking! I drink! I get drunk! I fall down! No Problem!.......

But do you get up again tm Chumbawumba

Sir Ewok 20-08-2015 12:54 PM

My girlfriend had just passed her driving test so she drove me to town.

It was packed but we managed to find a space but she was nervous about doing a parallel park.

"I'm confident in you babe just do what you did in the test" I said

She slowly started unbuttoning my flies.

.......................................

The wife asked me to get that spray that will make the curtains smell nicer.

I bought her some femfresh.

.......................................

Oscar Pistorius's early release has been blocked by a judge.

So it looks as though he won't be shooting through the door as quickly as he thought.

.........................................

Red Bull and Vodka. Because you want to be wide awake for this mistake.

..........................................

Went round to my uncle Frank's house and found an alien mask, some Vaseline and a long metal tube in a drawer.

Suddenly that childhood memory of an alien abduction that I thought was a dream just got a whole lot scarier.

..........................................

Winery (noun):

A group of women who have run out of chocolate.

.............................................

I've just rung my old school for a laugh to get my 1980 O Level results.

I got an A in Apathy.

..............................................

There's nothing more annoying than hearing someone say, "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!"

Especially when it's coming from Cilla Black's coffin.

...............................................

Paddy and Murphy go into a French restaurant and order some slugs.

The waiter explains they only serve snails.

Paddy says 'But I'm starving and I don't want to waste time peeling the shells'.

................................................

I hate the cruelty of war.

£40 and I still can't get past level 1.

..................................................

:o:(;):cool::D

Friar Tuck 21-08-2015 05:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sir Ewok (Post 656887)
But do you get up again tm Chumbawumba

A mate of mine bloody put my name down on Chumbawumba's fan club, for a practical joke. I used to get some weird far left newsletters berating everything from government spending to some other weird gay leftist protests like Shag the Whale, or Legalise Vim Sniffing!....

For bloody ages I wondered as to why I was getting this stuff until I mentioned it to him, and he fell about taking the piss!

Sir Ewok 21-08-2015 01:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Friar Tuck (Post 656895)
A mate of mine bloody put my name down on Chumbawumba's fan club, for a practical joke. I used to get some weird far left newsletters berating everything from government spending to some other weird gay leftist protests like Shag the Whale, or Legalise Vim Sniffing!....

For bloody ages I wondered as to why I was getting this stuff until I mentioned it to him, and he fell about taking the piss!

That's why my real name and address does not appear on here (or anywhere else, especially at HMRC).

Sir Ewok 21-08-2015 01:14 PM

After the leak of the hacked Ashley Madison adult dating website data I have discovered a long lost identical twin brother I didn't know I had. He even has the same name as me.

.......................................

Even though we've been married for years, I'm still living the single life.

Shit food and no sex.

..........................................

My cat used to star in the Whiskas ads, but they laid him off a couple of years ago. He hasn't found a job since.

So much for them always landing on their feet.

............................................

"Your missus loves a practical joke doesn't she," Dave said to me.

"What do you mean?" I asked him.

"When you were on nights last week, I called round and she pretended to be in bed with your cousin. Daft bugger was playing along too. Neither of them had any clothes on!"

Immediately I sensed something wasn't right. "Hang on a minute mate. What the hell were you doing round my house when I'm on nights?"

.............................................

I'm not saying my wife's ugly, but she's just bought a new pair of glasses and they make her look like Buddy Holly.

After the accident.

.............................................

:D;):mad::rolleyes:

Sir Ewok 22-08-2015 03:54 PM

I went to the police station and said, "I'd like to report a rape."

Thirty seconds later, they'd sat me in a private room with a counsellor and a cup of tea.

"Wow!" I thought to myself. "They don't half treat you well when you hand yourself in."

..........................................

People warned me about moving into a racist neighbourhood, but so far they've been nothing but good.

In fact, they must've heard me talking about rebuilding my chimney one day because the next day I received building materials and advice on paint colour.

They'd thrown a brick through the window with a note on it saying 'Whites Only'.

Isn't that nice?

............................................

Binary 101 is not a beginners class.

............................................

For my birthday, all my mates from work came around my place.

They all had gifts, Cocaine, Skunk weed, Ecstacy, and 3 Thai prostitutes.

It's amazing, the perks of working for the police.

.............................................

My late wife never knew when to stop talking.

Probably explains why she drowned.

..............................................

I was chatting to my mate in the pub.

"Someone propped my car up and stole my alloys last week." I said, "Pretty sure it was the Irish Gypsies down the road."

"You know I'm fed up with stereotypes." He said, "Not all gypsies are thieves, and for that matter, not all the Irish are stupid! How do you even know it was them?"

"Well." I started, "They came round the next day asking if they could have their bricks back."

...............................................

A cure for insomnia is on the way, reveals a spokesperson. But it's not going to happen overnight.

..............................................

"Dad, I am suffering a lot of blackheads recently."

"Wash more and use facial scrub in your teens son."

"No dad, the Nigerians at school keep headbutting me."

..............................................

the last time Wayne Rooney scored, he was awoken by the sound of his 78 year old Escort girl putting her teeth back in

..............................................

What's the difference between Old Trafford and a geriatric brothel?

Wayne Rooney couldn't score at Old Trafford.

...............................................

:D:cool::p;):o

Friar Tuck 23-08-2015 04:59 AM

Ewok's Last Wishes



Ewok is on his death bed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in London.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East end."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames ."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of his holdings.
As Ewok slips away, the nurse says to his wife,
"Mrs. Ewok, my deepest condolences.
Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property…………..
"Property?”, Mrs Ewok replies. “The arsehole had a window cleaning round."

Sir Ewok 23-08-2015 12:40 PM

Dick Advocaat.

Sunderland manager, or two things your wife will only put in her mouth at Christmas.

......................................

What is the unluckiest animal in the world?

The hedgehog that crossed four lanes of the A27 in Shoreham, then got hit by a aeroplane.

......................................

I was in bed with the missus last night when she said, "Dave, what's it called when you fantasise about seeing your partner with someone else?"

Apparently, "a divorce" wasn't the right answer.

......................................

"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife.

"If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her."

"You mean 'than'."

"No."

.....................................

After 30 years I ran into my childhood crush in the bar.

"Oh my God!" she said. "You were that creepy guy I always saw watching me wherever I went."

"Yeah, but it won't happen again." I assured her. "I've had 30 years of practice."

.....................................

I was speaking to my mate in Shoreham yesterday and asked if he'd remembered it was a lottery rollover this week

"You've got more chance of been hit by a plane" he said laughing!

I've been ringing him all morning and he's not answering.
I hope the fucker hasn't won and he's not letting on!

.....................................

My cousin had an epileptic seizure doing the eulogy at my uncles funeral.

Everyone said it was a fitting tribute.

.....................................

Iain Duncan Smith dies and goes to heaven.

"I'm sorry," said St Peter, "you won't benefit anyone up here."

"Good, " said Smith, "no change there then."

.....................................

French Police have named the terrorist whose gun kept failing to load properly.


Mustapha Jam

......................................

Wow, I'm sailing solo across the pacific, I'm thousands of miles from the next human being, but I can still find sexy girls in my area that are dying for sex, the wonders of the internet...

........................................

Failed my Politics exam. The question was "Describe the role that India plays in the modern world".

Apparently "Tech Support" is not the correct answer.

.........................................

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad. Apparently he had the time of his life."

.......................................

I got a phone call from British Gas to say my bill was outstanding.

I said, "Thanks!"

......................................

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!"

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

.....................................

I'm always frank with my sexual partners.
Don't want them knowing my real name, do I?

....................................

I got so sick of the trick or treaters at Halloween that I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn't in.

Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules.

..................................

I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!'

I thought, "That's just spam."

.....................................

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.

....................................

It was so cold this morning I actually saw a solicitor with his hands in his own pockets!

....................................

I'm absolutely knackered from my French self-defence class last night.

I've never run so far in all my life.

....................................

If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of johnson's no more tears, would it create beautiful irony?

....................................

I wanked over a blind girl yesterday.

She never saw me coming.

.......................................

Subway is similar to prostitution. You pay other people to do your wife's job.

...................................

I was asked to run a marathon and I said no chance.
Then I was told it was for spastic and blind kids and I thought 'Fuck it. I could win that!'

..................................

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer; "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six!"
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

.................................

Why did my wife cross the road?

To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three fucking hours ago.

..................................

Only in Essex can a girl be both jailbait AND a MILF

..................................

Statistics say women think they are smarter than men because they can fake orgasms for the relationship.
Men say, "Big fucking deal, try faking a relationship just for the shag!"

..................................

You know you're a Taliban if...

You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

You own a 3000 quid machine gun and 5000 quid rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

You have more wives than teeth.

You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

You've ever had a crush on your neighbour's goat.

.................................

I was having dinner with MC Hammer and Chico last night when I asked if anyone had the time.

It was absolute carnage.

..................................

Prince Charles must have upset the Mafia. He wakes up every morning with a horse's head on his pillow.

..................................

What's black and screams like fuck?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

...................................

Why doesn't Viagra work on chavs?

'Cos they only get hard when they've got ten mates behind them.

.................................

:(:mad::confused:;):cool:

Sir Ewok 24-08-2015 12:34 PM

Headlice are now resistant to the usual medical treatments.

The problem has scientists scratching their heads.

..........................................

My wedding speech began:

'I have spent a lot of time listening to inspirational speeches in preparation for this. So here we go:
"Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Fuhrer!"

.............................................

Technically stealing from the apple store counts as scrumping
.........................................

The bin lorry driver from Glasgow has condemned the tabloid press for harassing him when he tried to relax and pursue his hobby: flying at air shows.

..........................................

I cried my eyes out when I read the news that One Direction will be disbanding in March.

Seven more months of the twats.

...........................................

An eight-year-old boy swaggered into a pub, sat on a barstool and said, "I'll have a large brandy and one of your finest cigars, please."
The barmaid swiftly assessed his tender years and replied, "Do you want to get me in trouble?"
"Maybe later; for now I'll just have the brandy and the cigar."

...........................................

The girlfriend messaged me last night, calling me a useless twat. I couldn't believe it.


I thought ouija boards were bullshit.

...........................................

I was walking up the street with my new girlfriend, when we saw a bloke who looked just like a skeleton:

"Wow, look at him" I said.

"I know him" she replied, "that's my ex, Ray."

...........................................

I couldn't believe it when my neighbour said he had brittle bone disease as well.

"Me too," I replied. "SNAP!"

...........................................

My wife really brightened my day earlier.

She was on fire.

...........................................

:o:p:mad::rolleyes::eek:

Sir Ewok 25-08-2015 03:39 PM

I said to my son, "Sometimes in life you have to make sacrifices if you want nice things like cars, holidays or the latest Playstation."

"But, dad..." he replied.

I said, "Look, there's no buts about it. We're selling your kidney whether you like it or not."

......................................

Got my kids Frozen yesterday.

And the sperm bank paid me £50 for doing it.

.......................................

"I got really drunk last night, I'm sorry," I said to the wife.

"Yes, you done a shit in the porch at 1.35. AM." she said.

" How do you know it was me, and that time." I asked.

"Because you rang the doorbell and asked for toilet paper."

.......................................

I have just deleted all the mobile numbers from my German friends on my phone.

Now I'm Hans free.

.......................................

I thought I hadn't been paying my wife much attention recently so, as it was her birthday on Friday, I decided I would give her a ring as a present.

Amazingly, that started another row. Because I rang her from the pub.

.......................................

I no longer see my wife and kids and it's all because of gambling.

I won shitloads of money and moved to Spain.

........................................

What's got 20 faces and 3 teeth?

An episode of Jeremy Kyle.

.........................................

I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me.

She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

.........................................

I met two girls down the pub last night who had strong Cardiff accents.
I said, "I know that accent. You two ladies are from Scotland, aren't you?"
"Wales, you fucking idiot," one of them replied.
"Sorry," I said. "You two whales are from Scotland, aren't you?"

........................................

Pippa Middleton's arse is like a JK Rowling book.

You know Harry's going to be in it.

.........................................

America: putting the oops into troops.

.........................................

Fool people into thinking you have a social life by going offline for a few hours.

........................................

Capitalisation is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse," and "I helped my uncle jack off a horse."

........................................

My doctor reckons I'm paranoid.

He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.

.........................................

My wife came home with a vibrator, started waving it about and screamed, "I don't need you now! I don't need you now!"

Guess who had to put the batteries in.

.........................................

I don't know this for a fact, but I'm pretty sure deaf people cheat at charades...

........................................

Funny how a self-examination for testicular cancer easily turns into a wank.

.........................................

Secrets to a Happy Marriage
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
and MOST important...
4. It is important that these three women never meet.

..........................................

I like going bowling; I always make my name '3 Testicles' on the board.

That way the TV occasionaly says "Congratulations 3 Testicles! You got a spare."

..........................................

I can sum myself up in three words.

Kind, funny, smart and good with numbers.

............................................

I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked, "How would you like your steak, sir?"

"The same way I like my sex," I replied.

He smiled and said, "So, rare?"

Twat.

............................................

West Midlands police are looking for a "racist attacker".

I phoned the information line but apparently its not a job advertisement!

............................................

As I sat in the living room my five year old shouted at me from the back door.

"I can't hear you if you're shouting from outside." I said.

Again, he shouted back.

"I told you, I can't hear you from there. It's rude to shout. If you want me to hear you, walk into the living room." I replied.

A few moments later my son appeared in the living room.

"Dad, I've got dog shit all over my shoes."

....................................

I often say to myself, "I can't believe that cloning machine worked!"

.....................................

How many policemen does it take to smash an egg?

None. It fell down the stairs.

......................................

I phoned my work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough."

He said, "You have a wee cough?"

I said, "Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!"

.......................................

I saw a fat bird down the pub, her T-shirt said - Watch out, I'm a maneater!

I went up to her and said, "Excuse me, love... about your t-shirt slogan."

She stopped me and angrily said, "Oh, let me guess: you want to know how many men I've eaten?! Well, I can't help my size, you know!"

I said, "Actually, no, I wasn't going to say that at all."

She looked happier and smiled as she said, "Oh yes, what did you want to say then?"

"That's not how you spell Manatee."

.......................................

My bank lets me send a text message and it'll text back with my balance.

It's a cool feature but I didn't think the 'LOL' was necessary.

.......................................

Kids have got it easy today. When I was a lad, we'd never heard of paedophiles, so we had to buy our own fucking sweets!

.......................................

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.

.......................................

My favourite sexual position is the JFK.

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

......................................

:eek::mad::D:rolleyes::)

Sir Ewok 26-08-2015 12:40 PM

There are immigrants coming from all across the world to steal my job, but the joke's on them; I don't have one.

.............................................

My girlfriend really wanted to see Jeremy Kyle live on her birthday.

So I got her sister pregnant.

We're on next Tuesday.

............................................

My wife said to me, "Your cock reminds me of a foot"

Feeling all proud of myself, I replied, "You mean it feels like it's 12 inches long"

She said, "No it stinks"

...........................................

Ex RAF aerobatics instructor says that the Shoreham disaster Pilot should never have flown below 100 feet.

I'm no expert on that sort of thing but what he did below 100 feet was not flying...

..........................................

When I was a trainee plastic surgeon, I made some big boobs.

..........................................

My mates keep saying my girlfriend has been burgled by everyone.

Well, they keep telling me everyone's been in her drawers.

........................................

I painted my fence the other day.

A nice portrait is the least I could do after he got rid of all them stolen goods for me.

.........................................

My wife has left me because I am a compulsive gambler.

I'd do anything to win her back.

.........................................

Did you know that every two in one people are schizophrenic?

.........................................

I'm a woman, and I'm tired of you all claiming that men are smarter than women.

My husband has finally proven you all wrong.

He texted me just before - "Jane my little blonde bunny I cannot wait to have a night of loving tonight! Hope you're ready for the best sex you've ever had ;). xxx"

What an idiot. First of all, my name is Sarah, secondly I'm brunette, and thirdly he's away at a conference tonight!

.........................................

My wife has worked as a magician's assistant for years now. I think she has picked up a few tricks.
I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom. She said, "Abracadabra!" and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.
Poor bastard must have wondered what the fuck was going on.

.........................................

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

It's not hard.

.........................................

My missus dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged with being good in bed..."

After two minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.

.........................................

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

.........................................

A young lad knocked on the door last night and said "Trick or Treat?"
I said "What have you come as?"
He said "A werewolf."
I said "But you haven't got a costume on, you're just in normal clothes"
He said "Well it's not a full moon yet is it, dickhead?"

.........................................

I put the Sex back in Dyslexia.

.........................................

Two interesting facts about me.

1) My knob is the same length as 2 Argos pens.

2) I'm banned from Argos.

.........................................

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.

That's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance.

.........................................

"Jesus loves you."

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

.........................................

I went to see Chubby Brown at the weekend. As soon as he came on stage I started shouting, "You fat bastard! You fat bastard!"
Then I was told by security that that sort of behaviour wasn't tolerated at the Labour party conference.

.........................................

If God didn't want us to masturbate he would have made our arms shorter.

Maybe that's why the T-rex was always so angry

........................................

I just bought a goldfish but, unfortunately, it's epileptic. The weird thing is, as long as I leave it in the bowl, it's fine...

The second I take it out to play fetch, it has a seizure.

.........................................

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

.........................................

Doctor: "It's bad news, you have cancer and Alzheimer's."

Patient: "Oh well, it could be worse - at least I don't have cancer."

.........................................

Spiderman: Just another guy who ends up with sticky hands after using the web.

.......................................

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

.......................................

:o:(:mad::):p

Sir Ewok 27-08-2015 01:34 PM

I've written a book about a young girl who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a shitty estate and surviving of benefits.

It's called "Alice in Sunderland".

...........................................

The fickle world of American TV news reporting, eh?

One minute you're doing the morning slot; the next, the graveyard shift.

..........................................

I went up to a Scottish guy sitting with his girlfriend in the pub. I said, "I do a great Scottish accent."

He said, "Do one pal, before I knock you out."

So I did one, but he still knocked me out.

........................................

"Would you go and look at that!" said my friend Murphy as we drove down the motorway just as Police were erecting a tent at the scene of a serious road accident.

"What's wrong?" I asked

"What a fucking stupid place to go camping" he replied

..........................................

Game On!

What a Jamaican shouts at a homosexual.

...........................................

On a tour of the local woods on holiday, the guide said if you do encounter a bear, the best thing to do is play dead.

"I'm not really sure I would know how" my wife said.

"It shouldn't be a problem" I replied. "Just imagine we're having sex."

.........................................

No saying my brother has a big head or anything

But people from Easter Island have asked for him to be returned.

........................................

You can't get quicker than a Kwik-fit Fitter.

Great slogan. Terrible chat-up line.

.......................................

:D:o:mad::confused::p

Sir Ewok 28-08-2015 01:14 PM

"What makes you think you can criticize American gun laws, sitting over there in the UK?" I was asked on an internet forum.

"Because you're not allowed to take them on planes," I answered.

.....................................

I saw a spastic down the arcade today,

Of course, that's not what we call them nowadays.

I should have said "shopping mall."

....................................

Yesterday was National Dog Day, today is National Burger Day.

Except in Korea, where they cut through the bullshit and combine the two.

....................................

One day, a farmer was out mending fences and at some point along the way he lost his Bible.

A month later, one of his sheep walks up to him clutching the Bible between its teeth.

"Oh, Lord," exclaims the farmer as he drops to his knees, "Thank you Lord, it's a miracle!"

"Not really," says the sheep, "Your name's inside the cover, you daft twat."

....................................

What's the difference between my wife and Superman?

One shudders at the thought of Kryptonite, the other at the thought of Dick tonight.

....................................

For the last few years I've been in treatment for my lack of directional sense.

But I think I've just turned the corner.

...................................

"Oh come on you ignorant prick!" my wife scoffed, at the pub quiz last night, "Surely you must know who Stephen Hawking is!"
"I've never even heard of him," I said, "If he came walking in here now I wouldn't have a clue who he is"

...................................

Here lies the body of Bill Smith... Overdosed on viagara, his wife took it very hard!

...................................

Just rang Channel 5 asking if I could speak to Colin Fry only to be told he passed away today - they told me I've got a 6th sense of humour!

..................................

My mate suffers from a condition where you're terrified of looking into a toilet after someone's had a shit.


He's a skidsophrenic.

..................................

:o:):D;):confused:

Sir Ewok 29-08-2015 12:53 PM

I was in the bar when I started chatting to a midget.

"You seem like a nice and trustworthy person, fancy coming back to mine?" I asked.

"Looking for a good time, are you?" she said, smiling.

"No," I replied. "I've lost my key and you're the only person that can fit through my cat flap."

....................................

HSBC says it is now processing payments affected by an IT glitch

Not a problem, just donate 25 quid to my account every day it's late and we'll say no more about it?

.....................................

It takes one to know one.
Either you're being insulted or the queens getting philosophical.

....................................

My girlfriend who's deaf has decided to call things off with me.

I thought things were fine.

If only I'd read the signs.

...................................

Carlsberg don't do Alzheimer's. Just exceedingly good cakes.

...................................

You will never guess who I just saw at the petrol station - it was that human torch guy from the Fantastic 4 film.
I tried to get his autograph but he just kept rolling around on the floor screaming.

...................................

I never credited the old lady next door with much creativity but this morning I noticed that she has crafted the most exquisitely realistic snow sculpture of a woman lying on her driveway.

I must go around to congratulate her after work.

...................................

What's large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation 3

..................................

'Not Actual Game Footage'

Translation

We put more effort into this advert than the actual game.

.................................

Confucius say: "Man who confuse constipation pills for Viagra, crap in bed"

.................................

Scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

...................................

There's an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman all talking about their teenage daughters.The Englishman says, "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smoked."
The Scotsman says, "that's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says, "both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a cock."

.....................................

I was driving down the motorway with my girlfriend the other day and she piped up,

"I think those people in the car next to us are from another country"

"why is that?" I said

"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says, 'stit rey su wohs'"

...................................

My girlfriend just said to me, "Did you know, butterflies only live for two days?"

I said, "Honey, I think that's a myth."

She said, "No, it's definitely a butterfly."

....................................

Just been watching the news on Dave.

Anyone else hear about the Tsunami in Asia? Sounds terrible.

......................................

The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here."

A time traveller walks into a bar.

.......................................

My wife is forever saying I don't pay her any attention. So yesterday I was expecting brownie points when I said, "Have you had your hair done dear? You look different."
She went ballistic. I won't forget she's having chemotherapy again in a hurry.

.......................................

I keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia.
Which is the one about being in a closet?

......................................

"Dear, why are there broken condoms on our couch?"

"Dave...
Would you please call our children by their names."

.....................................

I wonder why they don't do golf at the Paralympics.

I'm sure they would all have an excellent handicap.

.....................................

I'm really starting to hate these stupid little Russian Dolls.

They're so full of themselves.

....................................

Kurt Cobain killed himself one month after Justin Bieber was born..

He knew.

...................................

At a job interview.

"What would you say was your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

"I don't give a fuck what you think."

.................................

I took the wife out earlier.

One punch!

..................................

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my Mrs has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my Mrs. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.

Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?

Cheers

...............................

The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the roof.

...............................
:):mad::p:eek::(

Sir Ewok 30-08-2015 01:31 PM

I'm watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory on C4.

It's not the same version I watched on Pornhub.

....................................

'You have got yourself a big fat yes!'.

Was the response to my mates question as to whether or not we should turn the X Factor off.

..................................

Fruit flies.

Is there anything nowadays that isn't gay?

.................................

I said to my wife, "Darling, when I die I'm leaving everything to you."

"Why break a habit of a lifetime?" she replied.

.................................

I refused to believe I had blood poisoning. Turns out I'm scepticemic

................................

The first African-American actor to ever play the lead on Broadway in Les Miserables has died at 21.

Kyle Jean-Baptiste tweeted last month, that his role in the musical was "life changing".

Not as much as falling from a fire escape, it appears.

...................................

I can see what Nigel Farage was saying about Romanians, the one next door is probably robbing hospitals because she keeps going out dressed as a nurse, also she thinks it's a bit backward here in Redruth compared to where she comes from.

....................................

:p:eek::mad::o:D

Biker Buster 31-08-2015 08:27 AM

http://api.viglink.com/api/click?for...r%3D%220%22%3E

Sir Ewok 31-08-2015 10:28 AM

"Do know why you've been arrested?" asked the cop.

"Because my girlfriend is a bitch," I replied.

"Yes," he said, as he patted her and called the RSPCA.

...................................

I just heard on Rebecca Brooks' voicemail that she's got a job back at News Corp.

....................................

My large, disabled wife has just qualified for a motability car and has been told she can have it modified to suit her needs.

"It will be a challenge, " said the rep, "but if it's a fridge you want..."

....................................

Carol Vorderman has severe burns after falling while running naked on a a treadmill.

She has two big ones at the top and four small ones on her bottom.

....................................

Theresa May says 'only European immigrants with jobs should be allowed in Britain'.
Call me simplistic, but I'm guessing if they have a job in Germany and live here, they won't be turning up Monday morning.

...................................

Can't wait to watch the MTV awards later, apparently you see a complete boob exposed:

Kanye West saying he's going for President in 2020.

....................................

I knew what I was going to be at a very young age.

A child.

......................................

"I've got a bit of an embarrassing illness." I exclaimed to my doctor.

"That's fine. I am use to all sorts. Please don't be shy to tell me." he encouraged.

I said, "It's just when people doubt me, I shit my pants and violently projectile vomit everywhere..."

He hesitated and said, "...Ew, really?"

......................................

:rolleyes::cool::):p:D

Friar Tuck 01-09-2015 04:29 AM

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked: "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"

One of them angrily screeched: "It's Wales, Wales you bl**dy idiot!"

So I apologized and replied: "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

Sir Ewok 01-09-2015 01:10 PM

A 'Top Gear' special is to feature the fastest vehicle ever seen on Britain's roads.

A Hawker Hunter Jet.

...............................

Sky News: First Refugee Trains Begin Arriving in Austria

I think we all know where in Austria those trains are going to end up...

................................

1st September 1939, Hitler invades Poland, Polish flee to UK.

1st September 2015, Time to tell the Polish WW2 is over.

...................................

I wish the US / UK one-upmanship would stop.

They had George W Bush, so we have David Cameron and now they're beating us in the twat stakes by fielding Donald Trump and Kanye West.

At this rate, the next Labour PM will be Keith Lemon.

..................................

I'm the security guard at The National Sausage Museum and I'm bored shitless because we get no visitors.


I just sit here all day long, staring at the same four Walls'.

...................................

Scientists have developed a new type of rubber that you can keep on inflating without it ever bursting.

It's the result of five years research into Kanye West's ego.

...................................

Poor Caitlyn Jenner. I too once felt like a man trapped inside a woman's body.

Then my mother gave birth.

.....................................

I had a fat-free dinner tonight.

The wife went to her mother's.

....................................

Stalkers Anonymous - Follow us on Facebook.

....................................

My "to do" list.



Little.

.....................................

:(:mad::confused::):o

Grav 01-09-2015 11:43 PM

16 sodium atoms walk into a bar. Followed by Batman.

Friar Tuck 02-09-2015 06:39 AM

nope! that went right over my head....

Biker Buster 02-09-2015 07:27 AM

Me too.. :confused:

Biker Buster 02-09-2015 07:43 AM

She's single . . .

Hot, and well horny....

She lives right across the street.

I can see her place from my kitchen window.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said,

"I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get my hole tonight.

Are you doing anything?"

I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"

"Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?"

Sir Ewok 02-09-2015 01:23 PM

I've just been knocked over on a pedestrian crossing.

The guy apologised then helped me flip my Smart Car.

..............................

There's definitely a stigma attached to buying flowers, I thought to myself at the checkout.

"Oh, you," said the cashier, rolling her eyes. "What have you done?"

"Killed a cyclist," I replied.

................................

The Great British Bake-Off host, Sue Perkins, has suffered with a brain tumour for the last eight years which has "stopped me having a baby."


I'm no brain surgeon, Sue, but I think not liking cock played more of a part.

................................

Only nine donors registered to the National Sperm Bank in the first year.

Obviously nobody else gives a toss.

................................

Bake-Off's Sue Perkins has revealed she has had a worrying, nasty little inoperable growth that has dogged her for several years and cost her TV work.

Bit harsh on Mel.

...................................

What's the difference between migrants and Princess Diana?

The migrants might still make it through the tunnel!

..................................

I've made a fortune people smuggling recently.

These illegal immigrants who found their way to Hull can't wait to get back to Africa.

....................................

The French have invented a process to turn wine waste into fuel.

Because it turns something useless into something that can make a lot of money, they're calling it "Vin Diesel".

...................................

It has been revealed that the National sperm bank has just nine registered donors. Amazingly this proves that somewhere there is a wanker who isn't a lib-dem MP.

...................................

I got in trouble for taking the piss out of a couple of hipsters today.

Apparently, the politically correct term is 'conjoined twins'.

...................................

Politicians are like women's moods.

It's everyone else who has to pay for them.

...................................

I found a rucksack under my sons bed today.
It contained four wank socks and a copy of the Q'ran.

I think he's involved in terrorjism.

....................................

"I've just been sacked from my job at the picture framers" I said to my friend

"Why's that?" he asked

"They said I cut too many corners" I replied

....................................

Two gays are sitting at the bar.

One says to the other: "Can I push your stool in a bit further?"

....................................

:D:mad:;):cool::o:confused:

Hound Dog 02-09-2015 02:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Grav (Post 657012)
16 sodium atoms walk into a bar. Followed by Batman.

Na Na Na Na.........
:D


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