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100%Pat 24-11-2014 08:43 PM

joke of the day
 
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next several months, he saw her doing this often. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning differently. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, and started stroking himself, moaning, "I need a bike! I need a bike!

John Hopkins 24-11-2014 09:49 PM

Little Johnny went to school and saw his mate Hillary Scott-Johnson had a new watch that had a built in GPS and video phone.. "How did you get that" asked Johnny..."I walked into Papa's bedroom and caught him in bed with the maid" replied Hillary "He said that if I didn't tell Mama he would buy me a new watch..
That afternoon Johnny got home early and walked into his dads bedroom where his dad was shagging the next door neighbours wife, dad looked over his shoulder and said "Waddaya want"..."I wanna watch" replied Johnny.."Well shut the bleeding door, there's a draft going right up my arse"

John.

Biker Buster 25-11-2014 09:19 AM

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared,'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile,

'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration ....

"THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

John Hopkins 25-11-2014 11:49 AM

Fred gets to the dentist - 8:00 appointment - and he said he's in a BIG hurry to get to the golf course. He's got a 9:00 tee time with 3 buddies. He needs a tooth drilled and filled ASAP- there is no way he can wait for anesthesia to kick in.

Doc says, that this is really going to hurt - he recommends the anesthesia.

Fred says, NO WAY, just start drilling. This is the most prestigious course in town, and they've been waiting a LONG TIME to get in. There is NO WAY he's waiting for anesthesia. Just START DRILLING.

Doc says, "OK, if you insist. Which tooth is it"?

Fred says to his wife "Open your mouth, Dear, and show him...."

John Hopkins 25-11-2014 11:55 AM

What do you do for a living?

I'm an anaath..err anethn err

I put people to sleep..

Oh, you're an opera singer..

Friar Tuck 25-11-2014 06:06 PM

The Seven Dwarves were granted an audience with the Pope.

All the dwarves pushed Dopey to the front, "Go on Ask him" they all said. Dopey shuffled forward.

"How can I help you, My Child" The Pope said

"Erm.. Your Eminence, do you have or know of a three foot tall Nun in the Vatican?" Asked Dopey.

The Pope thought for a minute and replied "No, My Son I do not."
dopey turned to his chums with a worried look as they giggled at him. Dopey turned back to the Pope

" Please your Holiness, could you tell me if their is a 3ft tall Nun in Rome?"

The Pope a little puzzled at this line of questioning looks over to his equerry who shakes his head.

"I'm sorry My Son but we have no such nun in Rome" Dopey starts wringing his hat with worry. The chums start sniggering behind him, He turns to them and shoots them a withering look, quietening them down a bit. Dopey turns back to the Pope

"Please your Graciousness could you tell if there is a 3ft tall nun in the whole of Italy then?" Dopey asks

The Pope raises his eyebrows as he looks to his equerry. the equerry just shrugs his shoulders. The Pope turns back to Dopey

" No I am very sorry My Boy (the Pope had a Jewish background) but we do not have any 3ft tall nuns anywhere. Why Do you Ask?"

At this point all the other dwarves fall about howling with laughter and start chanting

" Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!"..

Biker Buster 26-11-2014 10:46 AM

Alex Salmond walks into a Royal Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier:"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Salmond :"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Alex Salmond, the leader of the Scottish National Party and First Minister of Scotland !!!!"

Cashier:"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Salmond : Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Salmond , but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Salmond :"C'mon lassie . I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque."

Cashier: "Look Mr. Salmond, here is an example of what we can do.

One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.

Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque.

So, Mr. Salmond , what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?

Salmond stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don't have a clue."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr. Salmond ?

Biker Buster 27-11-2014 03:44 PM

The vicar asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible motorbike crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."

Hound Dog 30-11-2014 01:10 PM

ALERTS TO THREATS IN EUROPE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards, John Cleese , British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC

Biker Buster 01-12-2014 11:44 AM

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the courting world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after courting for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting any that night.

The following night was the same -- She stood there wearing the black lacy panties, and he was in his birthday suit -- only now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

mickthecrane 01-12-2014 12:13 PM

getting on?
 
my wife and i were waiting for a bus the other day, the bus stopped, the driver opened the door and said, are you getting on? no , i replied , she"s a twat.

The Beer Monsters 03-12-2014 08:12 PM

I bought a Jehovah's Witness Advent Calendar today.

Whe you open one of the doors you don't get a chocolate. You get a little person telling you to fuck off...

Biker Buster 05-12-2014 10:28 AM

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers.

Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the loud, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".

Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

Mortis 05-12-2014 04:28 PM

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom ?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us."

Friar Tuck 06-12-2014 08:44 PM

Doctor! doctor! I've got flat feet!

Ever tried using a foot pump?

Mummy! Mummy! I keep running around in circles!

Sharrup or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!

Izzadora 06-12-2014 09:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mortis (Post 653898)
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom ?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us."

:thumbsu: pmsl

saxman 07-12-2014 02:22 AM

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this October from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained "I sympathise with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting afterlife benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up".

Spokespersons for the BOOM union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales, New Zealand and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are no virgins in their areas anyway. According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the popularity of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit package.

Friar Tuck 08-12-2014 08:57 AM

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..

They get back to his place, And as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, With hundreds and hundreds of cute, Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed In rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken Quite some time to lovingly arrange them And she was immediately touched By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along The bottom shelf, Medium-sized bears covering the Length of the middle shelf, And huge, enormous bears running All the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an Obviously masculine guy To have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his Sensitive side. But doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and Continue talking and, After awhile, she finds herself Thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy Could be the one!Maybe he could be the future Father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him Lightly on the lips He responds warmly
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she Responds with more passion, More creativity, more heat than she Has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
They are lying there together in The afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently Strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'The guy gently smiles at her,Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes,




And says:

*

*

*

*
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'

technoboiler 09-12-2014 07:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mickthecrane (Post 653848)
my wife and i were waiting for a bus the other day, the bus stopped, the driver opened the door and said, are you getting on? no , i replied , she"s a twat.

:thumbsu: :thumbsu:

Biker Buster 15-12-2014 10:43 AM

American chap wanders into an ice cream bar and ordered a chocolate float, Pimply yoof said "we are out of Chocolate", so he said OK then Give me a chocolate sundae, yoof said "we are out of Chocolate", he said OK then just give me a chocolate ice cream cone, the yoof said "can you spell the van in vanilla" he said Yes, yoof said "can you spell the straw in strawberry" he said yes i can, Yoof said can you spell the F**K in chocolate", he thought about it for a minute and said "there ain't no F**K in chocolate", yoof said "that's what i have been trying to tell you".

Friar Tuck 17-12-2014 05:56 AM

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patient

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients

"The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:

'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!"

"Tunderin' Lord Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.


"I put drops in her eyes."

John Hopkins 19-12-2014 12:08 AM

One day a guy in Alabama was killed in a house fire; he was burned so bad, the coroner couldn't identify him; he thought it might be Bubba, but just couldn't be sure. He talked to the sheriff about it, and the sheriff told him that if anyone could possibly identify the remains, it would be his two best friends, Clem and Billy-Bob. "They are always together." The coroner said he would talk to them, so the sheriff brought them in

The next morning, here comes the sheriff with Billy-Bob and Clem in tow. The coroner explained what the problem was and Clem and Billy-Bob said they would give it a try.

So the coroner brings Billy-Bob in first. He uncovers the body, Billy-Bob stood wide-eyed, and said; "dang, that old boy is burnt bad! I can tell for sure. The coroner, looking disappointed, started to cover the body, when Billy-Bob got excited, and said;

"Hey, turn him over!" The coroner turns the body over, Billy-Bod looks for a minute, says

"Nope! That ain't Bubba!"

So the coroner, looking disappointed, turns the corpse over and covers him back up, then takes Billy-Bob to the waiting room, and said;"wait here." He takes Clem in to the examining room and uncovers the body.

Clem looks, wide-eyed, and says;" DANG!! That ol' boy is COOKED!! " He looks dumbfounded, says he can't tell, then gets excited, and tells the coroner, "Hey! Turn him over!" The coroner looks puzzled, then rolls the corpse over.

Clem looks, and says; "Nope, It ain't Bubba! No way. The coroner sighs, covers the corpse, and takes Clem back to the waiting room. He tells Clem to have a seat. He looks thoughtful for a moment, and says," so how come you couldn't tell looking at his front, but when I turned him over you both said 'no, that ain't Bubba!' How could you tell?"

Billy-Bob says, "shoot, thats easy! This guy only has one arsehole! Bubba, he's got two arseholes!"

" What do you mean, Bubba has two arseholes! I've never heard of that!", replies the coroner.

Clem said,"oh yeah, its true! Every time we would come to town with Bubba, everyone would say, 'Hey! Here comes Bubba with them two arseholes!!"

BikerGran 19-12-2014 10:33 PM

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gooseneck 20-12-2014 09:31 AM

The teacher is giving class a lesson in English and she asks for a sentence containing the word fascinate.

Sarah bobs her hand up, "At the weekend, Mum took us to a farm and the animals were fascinating".

" Very good", says the teacher, "but I asked for fascinate and you used fascinating"

Rebecca pipes up, "In the holidays, Dad took us all to a working museum and we were all fascinated".

" Good, but again, incorrect. You said fascinated when I asked for fascinate. Who will give me a sentence with the correct word?"

Johnny sticks his hand up and the teacher quails, she has been burnt by him before. How can he ruin this she thinks.....

"My big sister has a shirt with ten buttons on it, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!"

Friar Tuck 22-12-2014 03:38 AM

I'm nicking that one!

John Hopkins 27-12-2014 11:49 AM

Two good old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals.
Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."

"But were only privates," protests Paddy.

"We're Lance Corporals now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we're privates," says Paddy.

"You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance Corporals now!"

So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to shag you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."

Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what Gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big thumbs up.
Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea. Mick says to Paddy, "Why the hell did you give me the thumbs up?"

"Well Mick, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhoea affects only the privates & we're Lance Corporals now "

kidhaf 29-12-2014 08:28 AM

Some Glaswegian humour



A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time.
He says, "This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up. "It's a fecking what?"

-------------------------------------------------------------

Final question at a pub quiz in Glasgow last night -

Take That's first album consisted of four words, the first two were "Take That" but what were the second two?

There was a long pause then a wee Glasgow man pipes up with .....

Was it "Ya caaant"..


----------------------------------------------------------

A primary school teacher spots that Johnny, one of her pupils, is clutching a cat. She inquires, "Johnny, why is your cat at school today?"

Johnny, now in tears, replies, "I heard the postman telling Mummy 'when the kids go to school today, I'm going to eat your pussy'!"

kidhaf 30-12-2014 12:12 PM

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

********************************

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring and farting...so, at least I got home last night.

********************************

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asked the immigration officer.

"German", she replies

"Occupation?"

"No, just for a few days."

****************************************

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at the Traffic wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead, Let me out!"

The vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking in air through his teeth and mutters,

"To late, mate, the paperworks already been done."

*************************************************

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.

Or *foreplay* as she likes to call it.

************************************************

A young man came home last night and proudly announced to his dad that he had had S E X for the first time.

He said "I hope you took precautions?"

"What do you mean?" the lad asked.

"Did you wear a condom?"

"Nah, but I kept my balaclava on."

************************************************

"Jesus Loves You"

Nice to hear in a church but not in a Mexican prison.

*************************************************

Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly I nearly fell in.

Peirre 30-12-2014 07:08 PM

Specialist Ebola doctors are concerned after a case has been confirmed in Glasgow.

It means the virus is now resistant to alcohol.

---------------------------------

A man in Glasgow has got Ebola.

The virus is so popular, the Scots named a drink after it.

---------------------------
Scotland's first response team sprang into action upon discovering Ebola in Glasgow.

Their first response was 'Send her to England!'

---------------------------------
The Ebola patient from West Africa being treated in Glasgow for Ebola, is being transferred to London.

Apparently she made the request saying "I'm not dying in this shithole"

Sir Ewok 05-01-2015 12:30 PM

Charlie finally got into the chocolate factory....





Which was great as his girlfriend had been against it for years.....:o


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