Her majesty's Finest........

[kitkatman]

Ok peeps,
there is a lot of us that have served in one of the armed services, whether its air, sea or land, and we all have got some stonking tales of what we had been up to whilst serving... :rolleyes:

so lets not be shy and tell us all about the bravest, stupidest, idiotic and funniest things that we have done in our time.... :D

i shall begin...
in training, we were on a f.i.b.u.a. training village ( fighting in built up areas ) learning about techniques in urban warfare, we were all sat around being lectured about how to enter a room, when my mate accidently dropped a can of cs tear gas... we watched as it rolled over the floor, hit a wall and the pin popped out ( the pin had been loosened for quick access, whilst on exercise ) you should have seen the instructers face as the canister popped under his legs and gave him the full fury of a dose of c.s., we were in tears, only because the spanner had gassed us as well.

shall tell more later...

[Bag Lady]

While based at Guildford in the WRAC I learned to skive really well...

You could walk round for days with a clipboard and pen and no-one asked what you were doing...

I was stuck in holding and drafting company so all we did to fill our days was odd jobs....BORING....

Because it was also a training camp there were always medicals and things going on so I used to say to the Sarge "There are medicals on this afternoon so I wont be in for work" now where in that statement did I actually say I had a medical? I used to bugger off shopping or go down the pub for the afternoon...never got caught...

Went AWOL for four days with my mate and never got caught either, but that is another story....

[TaxiDave]

Not me but my older brother was on route to the Falklands when the ship transporting his regiment came under fire from Argie planes. Everyone sh1t themselves and tried to take cover as best they could apart from about twelve SAS lads who were sat on deckchairs with their feet on the safety rails with fags hanging out of their mouths trying to shoot the planes. The best in the world as far as I'm concerned.

[UKRobKLR650]

Ha, i wanted to be a soldier from the day i had my first Action Man. Got to 18 and after a few tries (Pissy entrance tests and timing, passed tests but apparently at wrong time :confused: ) eventually got into the Grenadier Guards. Got all me travel passes etc and was heading off to barracks within a couple of days. Decided to take me bike out for one last thrash and ended up shattering my left knee, dislocating my right arm and breaking my wrist. Bye Bye Army career, i was gutted, more than you can imaging cause all my family had been in the Military :(
My Brothers life was saved by his knee popping on a run. Cut a long story short, basically his knee popped on a run, ended up on guard duty instead of going to London on some parade and the bus that he should have been on got blown up, 3 killed. Very bad, very bad indeed. Not a lot of love for the IRA here.
Had a mate in the Coldstreams. He was court martialled for beating off six blokes who jumped him near the barracks. He spent 2 years in military prison (he caused quite a few serious injuries, basically did what he was taught to do) then was kicked out of the army. After years of fighting for justice last year they offered him a thousand pounds and a pardon. He told em to shove it as it was his career and life time ambition (His whole family had been Coldstreams).
Ha! Me Dad, he can tell ya some stories. Well if ya catch him at the right time. He was in the Notts And Derby's Sherwood Foresters, 1st Battalion 63rd Ghurkas. The Notts and Derbys were a non queens regiment because they had refused to open fire on civillians (not sure where) so they were attatched to the Ghurkas. He was a scout and carried a Remington Pump Action Shotgun. He served in Aden, Gibraltar, Suez Crisis and 2 years in the Malaysian Emergency. He still has Malaria to this day and i still remember as a kid listening to him shout in his sleep. My hero, the bloke is a feckin hero in my eyes.
Ah, could go on and on but still have issues with the fact i let me family down by one twatting ride on a motorbike.

[Dougie]

Hey Rob,don't worry about it m8!
Okay,where do we start?
Bag Lady,we called it the Millboard Trick.Managed to do bugger all for a week one time,every hour or so I'd appear in the vehicle lines,look at a Rover,scribble something down then sod off back to my room!
I remember being detailed to drive a Rover with a four man brick to a house in Republican North Belfast,as they wanted to ask the occupant a couple of questions.To put it bluntly the Rover was a dog,wouldn't tick over and would barely go at all.So,we got to the house,and the sarge and his boys took off to the house leaving me with the sick wagon.Kneeling by the driver's door I tried to keep it running with the hand throttle but to no avail,the bugger stalled.It wouldn't catch so I gave it full choke and full throttle-BANG!-a huge backfire with a four foot flame out the tail pipe!I've never seen four guys go from standing to prone so quickly.The sarge came over to give me a bollocking but I told him that I'd already complained to the RCT bloke who signed the wagon out to me but to no avail.When we got back to camp I took the Rover round to REME,and on the way back to the Ops room I saw a very irate sargeant reading the riot act to a no longer smug RCT clerk!I never got a crap wagon after that for some reason....
Mebbe post some more later if I can remember stuff.

[kitkatman]

got nothing but total respect for the fly boys ( raf ), my first ever experience on a chinook, was on exercise, we were cruising at @ 1500ft and were around 5 miles from our LZ, when we heard the clakzons go of in the cockpit, apparently we were marked by a SAM.... well the pilot shouted those immortal word that i will never forget ' WE ARE GOING IN HOT ' well he put that chinook on its nose and dropped it down to tree height in less than 15 secounds...i have never experienced, and i do not really want too, anything like that before, and i thought we were in a technical term....fucked..
me and the squad got off the chinook a lighter shade of pale and the pilot and loadie stood looking at us pissing themselves.....

[Bag Lady]

I was also incredibly naieve at times (still am cum to that)..

Needless to say at Guildford there were a lot of gay girls!!!
The first dorm I was in was a 4 bed dorm that had 7 people sleeping (not much sleep) every night - needless to say I was on my own....

My m8 Helen was posted down to Guildford so I went to see the block Sgt to see if Helen and I could share a room...

I held Helens arm and asked ever so sweetly if my best friend and I could be moved into a dorm together (we were both privates) . Sarge smiled and said of course...there was a vacant NCO's room that slept 2 and we were very welcome to have it....She went on to add that in a room on the top floor there was a small NCO's mess with a Television and tea and coffe making facilities and a beer fridge and said Helen and I would be welcome to use the facilities.....I was thrilled and as we went to get our stuff I said to Helen "wasn't she nice".... :)

Helen pissing herself....she said she wasnt being NICE...she was bent as a nine bob note and thought we were too.....I was horrified...Helen said the sight of me hanging on her arm and smiling about "my best mate, and wanting to be close" had been misunderstood. There was me thinking Sarge was human..... :eek:

Anyway we played along with it...hung out in the gay pubs (dont get me wrong...a lot of the girls were brilliant friends and one still is - not Helen I hasten to add - ) but it is just not the way my bread is buttered. From then on we got all the best jobs and lots of time off. That is when we started pushing boundries to see what we could get away with and that is when we went AWOL for 4 days..

There was a fire drill while we were AWOL and the Sarge covered for us!!! She knew we would be back so she marked us as there....Had a quiet word in our ear when we got back just so that we knew we owed her a favour - Luckily she accepted vodka as pay off......

Best time I had in the Army was being posted to a regiment with 2500 men and only 35 of us women......I was 19 and in HEAVEN........ :D

[Sir Ewok]

Never been in, but my late brother told me a couple of tales.
Somewhere in Belfast (can't remember where) my brother and some other lads were posted in a sanger which sat in the gaps you get between the council houses, and these gaps were repeated on the mopposite side of what was a fairly deep drop between the two rows. One of the guys was observing from the fire step? and as the others dossed in the back he began a commentry on what he could see. Directlt acroos from them a car had drawn up and two men got out. A woman approached with a long coat on. Here began a detailed description of this girls attributes and this did not stop while she opened her coat and handed the men an RPG. He then described the men setting up to fire and got as far as "They've fired it", when he was grabbed by the others. Fortunately it was at the time when the stabalising fins were failing to unfold correctly and the projectile whent over the top of the sanger. The guy never lived it down.......

At another time they had a prostitute in the sanger, giving one of the lads a blow job, when an officer turned up. Everyboy present was put on a charge, but for some reason the date on the charges where all wrong?

[INDIANDRAG]

Once shagged a NAAFI bird on the serving counter of the NAAFI van in the Falklands.Rest of Bomb Dump never realised why I giggled like a madman everytime everyone got their butties. :p :eek:

[Dougie]

Threw a loaf of bread at a Wessex in our camp in Belfast as it was screwing up our telly picture cos it wasn't fitted with an interference suppressor.There I was,chucking the bread at it shouting "Ye've been fed ya b*stard,now f*ck off!",the pilots and loadie were pissing themselves as were the blokes from nearby huts,but the BSM (a man of very little or no humour) threatened to put me on a charge! :eek: Basturt!!
Another day,I was sitting on the steps of my hut,thumb up bum & mind in neutral when a Gazelle came in.I reckon the pilot was fresh from Middle Wallop (Army Air Corps pilot school) cos he hovered waiting for the guys with the fire extinguishers and someone to guide him in!I could see the co-pilot going nuts at him,and when they eventually did land he dragged the pilot out the cockpit and kicked him round the landing field.Oh how we laffed!

[technoboiler]

i have a question


how can women be gay in the army , but men cant?

[critch]

ah acording to my mate in the redcaps you CAN be a giver but not a taker as that apparantly isnt classed as gay.......i dont know if he was taking the piz though...

[Shep]

i have a question


how can women be gay in the army , but men cant?


*Bag Lady says*

It was just an accepted fact....The PTI's (physical training Instructors) and drivers were nearly 100% lesbian.

I think that at that time they took the view of Queen Victoria......women couldnt actually have sex therefore it was harmless!!!

[technoboiler]

yep,,,i knew about the queen vic sentiment


but i find it very sexist dont u?


not that i have a problem with sexy,,,,that is,,,how much more black!
spinal tap :D

[critch]

same bloke on the last day of his tour of northern ireland went and did a cruise around the republican areas taking photos of republican murals in "plain clothes" in an unmarked car (with military plates!) for momentos a beat up old transit screeched to a halt ,the doors opened a load of lads piled out wearing balaclavas and dragged them in the back, nicked their car and drove off....lets say my mate and his pals were sh1tting themseves not a word was said til one lad pulled his bally of and informed them that theyd blown a million pound 6 month surviellence operation the spent the first gulf war in jankers at a supply depot sending stuff of to riyadah..... they ended up getting away with it as their C.O. haddnt told them about it(also helped that one of the lads dads was very high up in the M.O.D.) :D

[Dougie]

ah acording to my mate in the redcaps you CAN be a giver but not a taker as that apparantly isnt classed as gay.......i dont know if he was taking the piz though...
Never trust a monkey...... :eek: :eek: :eek:

[kitkatman]

*Bag Lady says*

women couldnt actually have sex therefore it was harmless!!!


your've met my wife then....!