View Full Version : When was the last time.....
Jonnyfp
03-02-2005, 09:07 PM
you wished a hole would appear and swallow you up..
I'm talking bad/inappropriate joke you may have told and someone who took acception or general embarrasment.
kitkatman
03-02-2005, 09:14 PM
a couple of years ago i went to one of our outlets and asked the land lady,
'where's that bone idle, useless tosser, pot bellied pig of a landlord'
she replied................. he's dead and she burst into tears ( flames would have been impressive),
i have never felt like such a c+++ in my whole life
I am a bit more tactfull now ( just )
wegit
03-02-2005, 09:33 PM
At my brother-in-laws funeral someone walked in to the reception with half mast trousers.
Guess what i said.......yep, you guessed "Who's died??"
Total slip of the tongue, brain not in gear
Mother-in-law right behind me....big mouthed fucker I was
Dougie
03-02-2005, 09:35 PM
Was at Fran's cousin's cremation,said to her "When does this thing fire up?"
D'OH!!!
kitkatman
03-02-2005, 10:51 PM
Was at Fran's cousin's cremation,said to her "When does this thing fire up?"
D'OH!!!
could have been worse, could have said ' whats cooking'
defarter
03-02-2005, 10:58 PM
Was at Fran's cousin's cremation,said to her "When does this thing fire up?"
D'OH!!!
If someone was going to be late yer could ave asked to put him on a low gas..
Freak
03-02-2005, 11:22 PM
Once asked a bloke for directions before noticing his guide dog. He asked me if I was taking the piss. There was then an awkward moment of silence before he burst out laughing and promptly told me the way. Really caught me out for a second though.
geordiedevil
03-02-2005, 11:24 PM
I remember when my Dad died.........my ex-Mother-in law rang my Mums house........my ex answered the phone......she said "how's Chelle?"........der!..................he then asked me(even MORE DER..... :rolleyes: )...........................Dad only just died............I gave an answer that she could of heard 280 miles away without the blummin phone!
can laugh now.........but blummin heck!!!!! :rolleyes: :eek: :D
RedRobbie
03-02-2005, 11:55 PM
From the age of 18 onwards every wedding that I attended my elderly aunt would always say to me "you'll be next. At a recent funeral i sat besides her and said.....you guessed it! "YOU'LL BE NEXT
geordiedevil
04-02-2005, 12:14 AM
lol..............the last funeral i went to when Dad was alive, he said he would be the next........as he did, lol, but this time he was serious, and said it would be soon, a few months later and the next family funeral..........was his!
i really think he knew too!
i was doing my DOE award in a blind school, and took a kiddie out to the park.......he was pushing me on the roundabout for a while, i had my legs stuck out and yelled at him "watch out"..............i felt soooooooo bad, but he took it as nothing, and explained to me......(he was 7 i was 14/15), that it would hurt MORE if people watched what they said, he was an inspiration!
technoboiler
04-02-2005, 12:46 AM
i eventually plucked up the courage to chat with a guy i had fancied for ages,,,i was 17 at the time,,(5 years ago)!....well,,,,trying to hang on his every word i sniggered at some joke he was telling and 2 huge bubbles sprung from both nostrils,,,,
another time,,,same kinda scenario,,,was chattin outside on a really windy day, so thought a fart would be safe and dissipate without being noticed,,,only it was so hot and heavey it just seeped up around us and i had no1 else to blame... :o
blackhack
04-02-2005, 01:34 AM
As most of you know, I drive a taxi for a living...One day I got called to large hotel in town to pick up some female yank tourists for the airport.
I went to reception and was told to wait at the taxi as they were on thier way downstairs...long story but, two of the largest women ive ever seen in my life turned up (25 to 30 stone) with masses of luggage, only to tell me that the OTHER TWO would out in a min....I told them there was no room for four people and luggage and that I'd call another taxi by radio in the cab.......
So I called the radio room and explained that the FAT YANK women made the fat slaggs look like models and if I took more than than two of them I'd probably bust the springs on the taxi...I went on to say that I'd never seen anyone so fat and uglyin my life, but that was americans for you....
Yup you've guessed it...I turned round and she was standing at the window of my cab and had heard every word spoken....
It turned out to be the longest/quietest run to the airport I've ever done.
(And the bitch never gave me a tip)
just to add to the funeral ones, I was at a distant relative's cremation when I noticed the 'piped' music they were playing was
smoke gets in your eyes by the platters..!!!!!!
deliberate? :eek:
heeyyyyyyyyyy
is blackhack taxi dave????
Gypsy
04-02-2005, 09:09 AM
got a call from one of the lads to help him out on a job, i got there and he asked me to sort out the underground cable part,
off i went and done the biz including using a blowtorch on a shrinkdown joint, i came back with a big grin on my face to see me mate witht the owner of the property,
to him i said "well i cremated that bastard"
yep , not the thing to say as the owner had just cremated his wife that morning.
Jonnyfp
04-02-2005, 09:32 AM
I used to be a hospital porter and once took the mortuary keys home. :o
thats not as bad as the fella who worked there on nights tho..
He had to do a laundry run on one of the milk float type carts they use. He had a 1040 bleep on his pager about a fatality off ward 9..they where quite common as thats the geriatric ward..
He thought it would'nt hurt as it was 3 am no-one would see....he hooked the mortuary trolley up to the back of the laundry trucks..the mort trolley is like a shopping trolley as in the wheels all turn like they have a mind of there own..
He took his load down the service ramp and at the bottom the trolley tipped over to the horror of an old dear who nipped out of bed for a crafty fag.
To my knowledge
his still working there. but i bet he wished the ground had opened up right then.
This is'nt so much a funny story and i'm sorry if it offends, but those who have worked in this line will understand the need to develop a sense of humour about it.
Gypsy
04-02-2005, 09:46 AM
was working in a customers house running new cable, this involved a fair bit of drilling thro the walls. after 15 mins or so of me making a right racket the customer comes over to me and says
"do you really have to make so much noise, my daughter is 8 months pregnant"
i have no idea why but my reply was
"well dont look at me i didnt do it" :D
mr.chaz
04-02-2005, 09:53 AM
Being a shameless , sick c*nt - I tend not to have those kinda moments. It isn't til afterwards I think about it, it hits me and I laff and think " well , what the f*ck!"
Latest being:
Couple of months ago sat outside the house cleaning a bike. an old buddy is out front talking with the next door neighbour and drew me into the conversation.
He starts nattering about how long it is since he's had a "jump" and how anything would do. Next door neighbour says " As long as it's got a skirt". My buddy says , " Or a pulse".
To that I launch into my well rehearsed (totally deadpan and straightfaced) "Dead Girls Don't Say No" routine and have them in stitches for the next 10 mins. To which my buddy says - " I must remember that one - I'll give my missus a knock up -she was always obliging"
Who was my buddy? - only the late Joanna's hubby - Mark.
Ooops! :eek:
BigBod
04-02-2005, 10:35 AM
This one has nothing to do with funerals or dead people but I was pretty embarrased at the time.
I had driven a van load of stuff to Munich to set up a show stand. Whislt I was walking around the hall I saw a bloke in the distance I remembered meeting the year before who had become a very good customer.
I walked right up to him and shook him by the hand and asked him how he was doing. He came straight back at me in German and couldn't speak a word of English. It wasn't the same guy. I can't believe I still tried to make polite conversation before making my escape.
His face was a picture though :confused: :confused:
Mr Chaz I expect he was just happy you weren't 'pussyfooting' around him like most peeps probably are...
I used to be mates with a very quiet shy lass at school, she wouldn't say BOO to a mouse, was very timid etc
anyway when she got her 1st boyfriend she went a bit wacky, I think he showed her how exciting life could be...!
one day she saw him in the street and ran up behind him and shoved her hand between his legs and grabbed his balls
of course it wasn't him :eek:
another quiet girl from school, who was also small like me, was standing outside the chemist one day when this huge dog ran up to her, landed it's front paws on her shoulders (it was by then the same height as her) and she fell over flat on her back, bad enough? the dog then started to hump her
poor girl, we were laughing so much we couldn't do owt to help :D
BigBod
04-02-2005, 10:45 AM
Whilst were talking funerals...
A bunch of us were known as the "red nose mob" long before comic relief. We always had our red noses with us.
Recently a very dear friend passed away. He insisted that we all wear our red noses on the drive to the crem and during the service. Must have been quite a sight, 50 odd Goldwings following the hearse, all riders wearing red noses, even the driver of the hearse joined in.
We had the last laugh though, he had his red nose on when the lid was finally shut.
As a side note, is all you had to do to qualify to be a member of the red nose mob back in the 80's was to make the band laugh while they were playing at a rally. I'll leave the rest to your imagination... ;) ;)
As a side note, is all you had to do to qualify to be a member of the red nose mob back in the 80's was to make the band laugh while they were playing at a rally. I'll leave the rest to your imagination...
excellent
that means me n gypsy can be members cos we made paul from the beermonsters laugh at the NABD
and we have the photos to prove it :D
Gypsy
04-02-2005, 10:59 AM
and stevie at the reading gig :D
I was visiting my mates mum who was dying from cancer. The whole family have a sick sense of humour which doesn't go down well in a hospital.
We were sat next to her bed chatting when a nurse came in with some sort of inflatable mattress. 'I asked what that was for' and the nurse said it would help to stop her from getting stiff.
My mate simply said "She's gonna have to get used to that"
The nurse was not amused, but my mate swore that his Mum would have laughed herself to tears over that......
RIP Ruth :D
When I first bought my flat I was really skint & was scrounging around friends & family for furniture.A woman I worked beside who was known for being very highly strung lost her mother at the same time.Went into work one morning & was told that she'd phoned & asked if I wanted her mum's cooker & fridge.She was going to ring back later for my reply.My boss warned me that she had sounded very close to the edge on the phone so I should be REALLY careful in what I said.So I decided that when she phoned I would say "sorry to hear that your mum died & it's really nice of you to give me the cooker & fridge."
What I actually said when she phoned because I was so nervous was "sorry you're giving me the fridge & cooker but it's really nice that your mum's dead!"You could hear a pin drop in the office & everybody turned to look at me and there was the sound of silence on the phone......until she started laughing & said I take it you mean thanks for the cooker!Apparently I really cheered her up.... :eek:
kitkatman
04-02-2005, 07:59 PM
When I first bought my flat I was really skint & was scrounging around friends & family for furniture.A woman I worked beside who was known for being very highly strung lost her mother at the same time.Went into work one morning & was told that she'd phoned & asked if I wanted her mum's cooker & fridge.She was going to ring back later for my reply.My boss warned me that she had sounded very close to the edge on the phone so I should be REALLY careful in what I said.So I decided that when she phoned I would say "sorry to hear that your mum died & it's really nice of you to give me the cooker & fridge."
What I actually said when she phoned because I was so nervous was "sorry you're giving me the fridge & cooker but it's really nice that your mum's dead!"You could hear a pin drop in the office & everybody turned to look at me and there was the sound of silence on the phone......until she started laughing & said I take it you mean thanks for the cooker!Apparently I really cheered her up.... :eek:
very good, thats got me giggling :D
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