Joke thread...put em ere....

[Bassman]

Why don't we try and start a joke thread?... maybe we could post a joke a day here... for us all to have a giggle at... might brighten up the day a tad eh?..what do you think....

Anyway, I will start it off with these....

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off.
Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're
doing?"
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila..... Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too."
And drives off.
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An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.
My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we
obviously decided to call him George."
"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."
"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. Exactly the same
thing happened with my son Pancake."

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There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she
smokes".
The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms.
I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a c 0 ck."

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A little boy walks into his parent's room to see his mom on top of his Dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts.
Worried about what her son has seen, she dress's quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"Your wasting your time." say's the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled?
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it back up again."

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Will Young, Robbie and Kylie went for a night on the town, as they left the night-club, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the
fence opposite the club.
Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good seeing to.
"Its your turn now, Will" grinned Robbie but Will started crying.
Robbie asked "Why are you crying, Will? What's wrong?"
Will sobbed "My head won't fit between the railings"

[Bosun]

love the last one



hear about the two aussie gays? couldn't get out of Sydney :eek:

[GSX Hooligan]

Missus stood looking in the mirror : "I'm old, fat and wrinkled and my hairs going grey - pay me a compliment love..."

"Well you're fucking eyesights spot on!"

:D :D :D

[Nitrowing]

Englishman, Irishman, Welshman and a Scotsman sitting in the pub, as usual on Saturday night.
Englishman says 'What do you think is the fastest thing on earth?'
Welshman jumps in, 'A sneeze! As soon as you think you're going to sneeze, pof, it's happened!'
Scotsman thinks for a minute, 'Hah, how about electricity? As soon as you can think of it, zap, it's done it's job!'
Englishman counters, 'No, it must be light - nothing is faster than light as quick as you can blink it's there!'
Irishman sits there and shakes his head, 'Naw, it's curry. Remember last week when we went for that Indian? Well when I got home, before I could sneeze, think or blink, I'd shat myself...'

[defarter]

Smelly Arthritis
An elderly couple (who lived in an old folks home) had had feelings for one another for quite some time.

Then one day they had a chance to meet up, as the old folks were going out on a day trip.

The two complained of some sort of illness and the carers told them to say put.

When the coach with the elders in had pulled away the couple made sure the coast was clear before slipping into the mans bedroom.

As soon as they'd taken their clothes off and got into bed the man asked the women did she like anything doing to her?

"I love to be licked down below!" came the reply.

So the man ventured downwards.

After five minutes the man came back up.

"Any wrong?" asked the women.

"Well yes theres a horrible smell and it tastes quite bad down there" said the man.

"Oh" said the women. "That must be my arthritis"

"In your Vagina?" enquired the man.

"No"answered the women. "The arthritis in my shoulder! I can't wipe my arse!!!

[defarter]

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her; "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us; not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..." "WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!" "OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you, Daddy, the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...." "Now, what was it you said you had become?" Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute, Dad... Sniff, sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"

[Crofty]

A man's driving down the old cliff road when he sees this little girl sat by the edge crying, it's late so he gets out his car
"oh dear, what's happened?"
"this morning I found out I had leprosy, then my parents took me on a walk by the cliff to cheer me up, then they fell over the edge and I'm all alone!"
The man unzips his fly and says:
"It's not your day, is it love?"
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An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, the pope and a rabbi walk into a pub, The barman says "is this a joke?"
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[Bassman]

Two guys sitting over a pint. One asks the other:

"If you only had three minutes left of earth, what would you do"?

"I'd screw every single thing that moved"! said his friend

He takes a sip of his pint and askes

"Why? What would you do"?



"I'd stand very, very still"! he replied

[saxman]

Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man
should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door
baby photographer rangthe doorbell, hoping to make a sale. Good morningmadam. I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,"Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I'vemade a speciality
of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?""Leave everything to me.
I usually try two in the
bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.
Sometimes the living room floor is funtoo; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and
me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of. . . " gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time.
I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed
with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when
you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing toget a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.Finally, when
the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I justpacked it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actuallychewed on your,
um...equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll setup my tripod so
that we can get to work."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.It's much too big
for me to hold very long.
> > >
Madam? Madam?...Good Lord, she's fainted!"

[saxman]

A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to
the counter. The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound
it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale
this week for £44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds
like a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she
accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the
blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please." The woman is
totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for
£44. How did you get to £58.50?"

He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11
and the Fish Bait is £3.50."

[saxman]

A father entered his daughter's bedroom and saw a letter on the bed.

With the worst premonition and trembling hands, he read:

Dear Mum and Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've
eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice.
Especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos, and his big motorcycle.

Not only that, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very
happy in his caravan in the woods. He wants to have many more children with
me and that's one of my dreams.

I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing
it for us and his friends. They're the one's providing us with all the
cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime, we'll pray for
science to find the AIDS cure, so Ahmed gets better. He deserves it.
Don't worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films thath
is friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement. Apparently I can earn£
50 a scene. I get a £50 bonus if there are more than three men in the
scene.
Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 15 years old, I know how to take care of
myself.

Someday I'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter, Pumpkin





























p.s:
Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at a neighbour's house. I
just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than getting
knocked out of the Cup by Chelsea

[Sir Ewok]

A man goes into a bar and asks for a shot of 40 year old whisky. The landlord does not want to use up his small stock, so serves the man a 10 year old instead. Ugh! goes the man, this is 10 year old and I asked for 40. Again the barman tries to fool him with a 20 year old whiskey and once again the man complains. Turning to a locked cabinet beneath the bar the barman serves a shot of 30 year old whisky. Not bad, says the man, but it is a 30 year old and I distinctly asked for a 40. Finally giving up the barman goes down to the cellar and brings back the 40 year old malt. Pouring the golden liquid down his throat the man exclaims what a wonderful taste the 40 year old whisky has. At this point a scruffy old geezer pushes his way through the crowd, hands the man a shot glass and sys "Try This if you think you're so smart".
He downs the shot in one go. "Urrrgghhh! It's piss" he yelled.
"Good Guess" says the old man, "Now tell me how old I am".

[blackhack]

Q: What do you get when cross a paedo and a pirate?
A: Arrrrrrr Kelly.

Q: Did you hear that David Beckham's voice will be used for the announcements at the new Wembley?
A: Apparently he comes over the P.A. very well...

Q: What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
A: Stephen Hawking in a house fire.

Q: What's blue and f**ks kids?
A: Me in my lucky blue suit.

Q: What's the difference between Paula Radcliffe and Hitler?
A: At least Hitler tried to finish a race.

Q: What's pink and smells of Holly?
A: Ian Huntley's knob.

In a bid for good publicity, Michael Jackson's legal team announced that when the singer dies he's agreed to be melted down by undertakers to make plastic toys.
So, kids can play with him for a change...

Victoria Beckham claims she had an affair with Jacko to get back at her husband. But Jacko's lawyers denied it, saying Mr Jackson could not have been with Posh as he was in Brooklyn at the time.

Yasser Arafat is being flown back to Palestine wearing a Newcastle shirt, Spurs shorts & Rangers socks.
He wanted to be buried in the Gazza Strip.

Q: What's the difference between Simply Red and a cow?
A: The cow's got the horns at the front...and the arsehole at the back.

Q: What's Pink, Twelve inches Long, stiff, and makes women Cry?
A: Cot Death.

Two tourists were travelling through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, ''Before we order could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly.'' The blonde leaned over and said ''Burrrrrrr Gurrrrrr Kingggg.'

[Rabid1]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[saxman]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it." "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
She says "But what about the smell?"
He says"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

[Doro]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with A purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had Been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she Made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly! woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president And said, "Would you like to take my bet?" > "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of Money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."
"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said The president "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank Of Canada!"