Little Joke

[defarter]

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."



Oft to the pub :o :o

[madastoast]

The wife told me she had a sore throat I told her I had some cream for that :D

[longhorn]

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."



:o
Man goes to the doctors with a lettuce growing out of his arse.
He says is it serious?
Doctor says "im afraid it's just the tip of the iceberg."

[BlackPig]

Man goes to doctors with a frog on his head.
Doctor asked how it came about.
Frog says "Well it started as a wart on me arse..........."



It's OK I didn't bring a coat !! :rolleyes:

[defarter]

Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my A*se
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"

[Bosun]

Man "doctor i feel like a pair of curtains"
Doctor "do pull yourself together"

[cxdemon]

Man: "Dr, people keep ignoring me"

Dr: " Next!" :D

[Huw Beer Monster]

Man goes to the doctor complaining of a strange lump on the top of his head.

The doctor looks at with a magnifying glass and sees a miniature pond, with miniature ducks swimming on it, next to a miniature wooden bench in the shade of a miniature tree.

Dr: "I wouldn't worry about that"
Man: "Why?"
Dr: "It's a beauty spot..."

[defarter]

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

[Huw Beer Monster]

Man: "Dr, every time I wake up I have this urge to sing 'Delilah'"
Dr: "You're suffering from Tom Jones Syndrome, the symptoms are a desire to sing one of his classic songs"
Man: "Is it a rare condition then?"
Dr: "#It's not unusual..."

:D

[blackhack]

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big tits."

[Huw Beer Monster]

A policeman knocks at a house door, to be met by a 12 year old lad holding a bottle of JD and a fag hanging out of his mouth.

"Is your dad in?"

"Does it fekkin' look like it?"

:D

[Bosun]

thats excellent huw :D :D

Man..Doctor doctor i keep thinking im tom jones
Dr .. Its not unusual

[Huw Beer Monster]

thats excellent huw :D :D
Man..Doctor doctor i keep thinking im tom jones
Dr .. Its not unusual
Catch up lad, we've already done that one!

[Bosun]

can i use the excuse i have a cold?


why do doctors practice? (ooh rhetorical question(

[defarter]

Answerphone message
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."

[liztombs]

wanna here a good go to the house of commons and the joke is the government!!!!

[Bosun]

why do elephants paint the bottom of theirfeet yellow?

so they can hide upside down in the custard

[saxman]

a man goes to the doctor with a lump on his forehead
after an examination, the doc says

you have a penis growing there

how long will it get? asks the man

I'd say about 6 ". says the doc

will i be able to see it? asks the man

no. says the doc

why? aks the man


cos
>
>
>
>
>
'wait for it'
>
>
>
>
>
>
your bollox will be covering your eyes



i'll get me coat

[Freak]

Why have elephants got four feet















cause they'd look silly with 3 inches
:eek:
:eek:
:eek:

[Bosun]

what do elephants use as condoms





black bin liners

[Shep]

I had a job circumcising elephants.

The pay was lousy...
















...but the tips were enormous!

[defarter]

My God", the doctor exclaimed after interviewing his elderly patient. "Do you seriously mean to tell me you haven't had sex since 1935?"
After looking at his watch the patient said "What's the big deal? It's only 2140 now."

[Dougie]

How d'you get 4 elephants in a mini?














2 in the front,2 in the back.

[Pag]

Q: What do you call a man with one foot?

A: Blessed!

[saxman]

why have elephants stopped using sheep as tampons?



toxic flock syndrome
:eek:

[Sir Ewok]

A nurse goes into a doctors surgery and tells him there is a man outside who claims to be invisible.
Tell him I can't see him replies the doctor! :D

[Born2bVile]

Did you know that an elephants sexual organs are in their feet?

It's true!

Cos if they stand on you, you're fukced!

Cheers,

Byrnie.

[Bosun]

whats green with 6 legs if it falls out of cherrytree it will kill you



a snooker table

[defarter]

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

[Dougie]

What's white and swings through the jungle?


Tarzan the Fridge!

[Dougie]

What's blue & white and swings through the jungle?


Tarzan the fridge with a Levi jacket on!

[Dougie]

What's black,white & red and can't turn round in narrow corridors?


A nun with a javelin through her neck!

I'll shut up now.

[Bosun]

whats brown and sticky?













a stick

[defarter]

Two prostitutes standing on a street corner. One says to the other, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the Tits!"

[Bosun]

whats green and goes red at the touch of a button



kermit in a liquidiser

[Spike]

wot's green and smells of pork ?






Kermits finger :o

[Bosun]

how do you know if an elephants been in your fridge?




footprints in the butter

[Huw Beer Monster]

How do you know if there's an elephant in your bed?

By the "E" embroidered on his pyjamas

[Dougie]

How d'you get 4 rhinos in a mini?



Take the elephants out first!

[Huw Beer Monster]

What's red and invisible?
.
.
.
.
.
.
No Tomatoes!

[Bosun]

how do you know if your elephant is under your bed?






your nose is 2 inches from ceiling

[Bassman]

how do you know if your elephant is under your bed?






your nose is 2 inches from ceiling

wow , that reminds me of a fat bird I got you know in my wild and wanton youth!! :D

[defarter]

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied. How does it work?" I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For fu*k sake, you ***** it's twenty to two in the fu*king morning!!"

[Bosun]

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied. How does it work?" I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For fu*k sake, you ***** it's twenty to two in the fu*king morning!!"


excellent :D

[Bosun]

how do you know if it your pet elephants time of the month?





you wake up with no Duvet and 50P by the bed

[defarter]

The Queen was visiting one of London's top hospitals and she specified she wanted to see absolutely everything. During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was wanking.

"Oh my", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?" The Doctor leading the tour explains;

"I am sorry Your Majesty, but this man has a very serious medical condition and is only following doctors orders. His body produces too much semen and his testicles keep overfilling. Until we can find out exactly what is causing this problem he's been instructed to do that at least 5 times a day or there is a danger that his testicles will explode, and he would die instantly."

"Oh, I am so sorry", said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow-job "Oh my", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, but he's with BUPA."

[Bosun]

Coloured lady ges to a doctor with a sore throat
the doctor asks her to strip off onto the couch
but i have a sore throat

no worries stip off

sheepishly she stands in underwear infront of him

no all off he says

but i have a sore throat she croaked..
now get on the couch and open legs wide

dutifully she does this

the doctor looks and contimplates

ok get dressed and heres some antibiotics for your throats

but how did you tell that from there? askes the lady

oh no said the doctor ive just brought a new brown leather sofa and wanted to see if pink cushions would look right!

[Erogenous Jones]

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said "You've been promoted." And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again." And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said "You're managing director." And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said "What happened to you?" And I said "I careered off the road."

[Bosun]

whats the scariest fish in the sea?





motorpike and sidecarp

[longhorn]

2 parrot's on a perch and one of them say's "can you smell fish!"

[Bosun]

what do you call a spider with no legs





spot

[defarter]

An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night, having beer.

All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African and the Australian and then says: "In London we have so many f***ing South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

[wegit]

What do you call a fly with no wings ??









A walk

[Bosun]

what do you call a deaf gorrilla



anything he wont hear you

[wegit]

Did you know that an Ardvark is just a vark with a flick knife

[Bosun]

dont fight packets of tunes


They're Menthol!!

[wegit]

Be careful of bus lanes 'cause the can also be cycle-paths

[defarter]

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea.....let's pretend we're married." "Why not?" giggles the woman.
"Good", he replies. "Get your own f***ing blanket."

[Bosun]

whats the difference between a elephant and a postbox





welll thats the last time i ask you to post a letter

[Dougie]

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?



So they can hide in cherry trees.

[wegit]

A guy gets out from the shower and his little lad asks him, "Dad! What's that between your legs ?"

Embarrased the father replies "That's my hedgehog son"

"It's got a fuckin big cock for a hedgehod!" replies the son

[wegit]

Why do elephants paint their balls red?

To hide in the cherry trees



What's the loudest thing in the jungle?

Monkeys picking cherries

[Bosun]

why are there no aspirins in the jungle?



cos the parrotseatemall

[wegit]

What's Tartan and hides in the corner of the kitchen?

Rupert the fridge





WHat's Rupert the Bears middle name?

"the"

[wegit]

A woman gets out from the shower and her little lad asks her, "Mum! What's that between your legs ?"

Embarrased the mother replies "That's where your dad hit me with an axe"

"Fuckin good shot, right in the cunt" replies the son

[defarter]

I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle

[Bosun]

what do you call postman pat when he retires



pat

[Bassman]

Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found dead in a French international footballer's hotel room... Police are treating it as "murder on Zidane's floor".

[Bassman]

Question:- Whats the most used love making position by married couples?
Answer:-.. The doggy style.

He sits there and begs.

And she rolls over and plays dead.

:D

[Bosun]

what do you call a 2'6" dwarf with servere halitoosis holding a machine gun?


sir

[defarter]

A man walks into a pub, and notices Vincent Van Gogh is standing at the bar.
"Do you want a pint, Vince?" he asks.
"No, thanks," replies the artist. "I've got one 'ere."

[Bosun]

how do you speed through a garden?




down the dual cabbageway

[Bosun]

A firefighter was working outside his Station when he noticed a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a firefighter's helmet.The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter took a closer look. "That's a nice fire-engine," he said with admiration.
"Thank you sir," the little girl said.
The firefighter noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar, and to the cat's testicles.
"Little girl," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire-engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "Hmm. You're probably right. But then I wouldn't have a siren

[Bosun]

A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over.
He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says:
"Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!"

[saxman]

Happy new year :D

[defarter]

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

[wegit]

As one computer said to another:


00101001010010101001010101010010101001010010101010 10001010111
11010100101001000101001001101100101010010010101001 0101001010?

0.5 Ha Ha Ha

[defarter]

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

[longhorn]

Two fish swimming about and one swims iinto a concrete wall and says -
dam!!

[Rabid1]

A blonde was working on a puzzle.
After ten hard months of work, she finally finished.
She was so proud of herself because on the side of the box it said, "2-3 years." :D

[haggis-muncher]

A man goes into hospital to get a leg amputated due to gangrene and after the operation asks the doctor how the operation went.Well,says the doctor,theres good news and bad news.Give me the bad news first says the patient.Well says the doctor,we have amputated the wrong leg,but the good news is,see that gorgeous nurse over there with the massive tits,I'm shagging her.

[haggis-muncher]

Here's another.Two peanuts walk into a bar............One was a salted.But they might have known it would have happened,as a jump lead was at the bar drinking all day,and he always starts something. :p

[Sir Ewok]

A man goes to his GP and says, "I have a hearing problem."

"What are the symptoms?" asks the doctor.

"A yellow cartoon family," the man replies."But what's that got to do with it?"

[Sir Ewok]

Micheal jackson has denied having an affair with Victoria Beckham.....







He claims he was in Brooklyn at the time............ :eek:

[wegit]

Micheal Jackson went to the video shop to rent a movie.

He couldn't decide which movie to rent... Finally he asked his minder. "I know, shall I get Alladin?"

"Don't you think you're in enough fuckin trouble?" his minder replied

[defarter]

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fell in love - got married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

[Dougie]

Pope's favourite drink?


Popesi-cola!







My coat's over here,I'll get it myself.......

[defarter]

My tire was thumping.... I thought it was flat.... when I looked at the tire.... I noticed your cat... Sorry :D

[Dougie]

What has eight legs and one eye?





Two chairs and half a sheep's heid!

[defarter]

A little pic one :D