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saxman
25-12-2004, 11:22 PM
Dear Santa

You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month! While filled with illusion I wrote you a letter and I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year! Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity! WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, A STUPID ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH? YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, TO COME OUT WITH SOME SH1T LIKE THIS UNDER THE DAMN TREE. AS IF YOU HADN'T FUCKED ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE SH1THEAD ACROSS THE STREET SO MANY FUCKING TOYS, THAT HE CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO HIS DAMN HOUSE! PLEASE DON'T LET ME SEE YOU TRYING TO FIT YOUR BIG FAT ASS DOWN MY CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR! I'LL FUCK YOU UP! I'LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND SCARE THEM THE FUCK AWAY, SO YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK YOUR BIG FAT ASS BACK TO THE NORTHPOLE, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN'T GET ME THAT FUCKING BIKE, YOU PUNK BITCH!! YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA, FUCK YOU!! NEXT YEAR YOU'LL FIND OUT HOW BAD I CAN REALLY FUCKING BE...YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING ON A MOTHERFUCKER FAR TOO LONG! SO WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT YEAR, YOU FAT BITCH!

Sincerely, Little Johnny

Sir Ewok
26-12-2004, 01:20 PM
Was that from an Eminem Song?

Santa
26-12-2004, 03:49 PM
Dear Saxman,

So sorry you were disapointed with this years offerings. The main reason for the poor selection of gifts this year was due to an enforced change of supplier. For some reason I am as yet unaware of I was forced to source all the gifts from a certain Ewock & Tucks Emporium. Some sort of 'Kickback' had obviously been made by some unknown person to these traders for the supply of what I considered to be very shoddy goods at exhorbitantly high prices. Your neighbour had obviously gone private and not used the state Santa service. I can only apologise once again and will try to do better next year (if I can get the reindeer out of hock from the E & T stabling service!)

Sir Ewok
26-12-2004, 04:10 PM
No chance, Fat Boy. The sleigh, sacks, remainder of stock and your home are at threat if you do not keep up the payments. Compound intrest of $34,000.000.37, was due in our account 10 mins ago. I do not think you are aware of the 1% per minute overdue charges (we have been lenient, as it is Santa) but as of 16.30 hrs today, you will owe every piece of cash in the world to us and we will be forced to forclose. Therefore next year we will be round on Santa's sleigh and your children may purchase gifts at reasonable prices (we think they're reasonable) or you can argue with our unreasonable security guards.

Yours
Santa Clause PLC (a division of the Ewokandtuck Trading Empire)

Sir Ewok
26-12-2004, 04:11 PM
PS The reindeer are already meat pies for the football season......

madastoast
26-12-2004, 06:12 PM
Do I sense hostility here.Hmm

saxman
27-12-2004, 02:03 AM
Do I sense hostility here.Hmm

its all santa's fault i tell you........he doesnt like little johnny .... :eek:

ForestFred
27-12-2004, 11:27 AM
I've got news for you all according to my 3 year old niece Santa doesnt bring the gifts its the ......... wait for it................................................ ..........






































THE GRINCH!!!! :eek: :D

Santa
27-12-2004, 02:19 PM
Damn! My alter - ego has been sussed. I bloody hate christmas!

Sir Ewok
27-12-2004, 08:09 PM
Now you know why he hocked the reindeer...... :rolleyes:

saxman
27-12-2004, 09:21 PM
oooh i had to reread that to make sure you said hocked. :eek: :eek: :eek:

Friar Tuck
28-12-2004, 09:29 AM
No chance, Fat Boy. The sleigh, sacks, remainder of stock and your home are at threat if you do not keep up the payments. Compound intrest of $34,000.000.37, was due in our account 10 mins ago. I do not think you are aware of the 1% per minute overdue charges (we have been lenient, as it is Santa) but as of 16.30 hrs today, you will owe every piece of cash in the world to us and we will be forced to forclose. Therefore next year we will be round on Santa's sleigh and your children may purchase gifts at reasonable prices (we think they're reasonable) or you can argue with our unreasonable security guards.

Yours
Santa Clause PLC (a division of the Ewokandtuck Trading Empire)
I would like to add that All goods remain the prpoerty of Ewokandtuck Trading Empire until paid for in full! Therefore, everybody is still paying due to the highly competitive interest rates charged per minute!

As a result of your yearly arrears in payment, We have been forced to take drastic action and send in the heavies......er, bailiffs to retrieve what is rightfully ours!

I now formally warn all customers of EwokandTuck Emporium, to expect a visit in the middle of the night from our security team, demanding immediate return of all christmas goodies delivered by Santa ( except Doro! who can keep her hat with piss flaps!!) In addition all female members are required to make additional payment in kind!

Thankyou!

Sir Ewok
28-12-2004, 07:21 PM
I see the lessons that I have been giving you are begining to pay off at last..... :cool:

Friar Tuck
29-12-2004, 07:00 AM
Someone's got to keep the shop open while you are off spending the Tea fund!

Sir Ewok
29-12-2004, 10:38 AM
I shall be using the tea fund for charitable works in Thailand. I will be bringing over a few young ladies (not ladyboys) who desperately need rescuing and myself and Mr. Tuck will make sure the goods are in excellent condition, before putting them out for rent.....