View Full Version : Letter to a bank

11-04-2007, 06:19 PM
A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I
endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations,
three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the
cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an
arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account 30 by way of penalty for the
caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood

My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally
and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs
to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank
knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or
her medical
history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of
his / her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than
28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses
required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press
buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer
is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to
the Authorised Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While
this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play
for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman; DOESN'T SHE MAKE

11-04-2007, 06:30 PM
Get in there Grandma. :D

11-04-2007, 08:36 PM
brilliant !