Sheltie
17-11-2004, 03:18 PM
Senior moments?
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one
morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said,
'"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel
answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at
it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I
think I know where to find my hearing aid."
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death
notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family
phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of
diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so
of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for
posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big **** he
always was."
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave
came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and
couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the
promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three
weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read:
"Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the
ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster
and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise." The old man faxed
back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed
away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket
out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear
a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually
alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony
is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the
casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out,
"Watch that wall!"
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a
park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She
said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every
morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and
freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes
me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to
me for half the afternoon.
I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he
makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes
love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be
crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other
and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long
time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but
I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at
her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally
she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked
anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell
the difference.
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one
morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said,
'"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel
answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at
it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I
think I know where to find my hearing aid."
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death
notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family
phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of
diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so
of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for
posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big **** he
always was."
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave
came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and
couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the
promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three
weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read:
"Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the
ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster
and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise." The old man faxed
back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed
away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket
out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear
a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually
alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony
is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the
casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out,
"Watch that wall!"
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a
park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She
said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every
morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and
freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes
me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to
me for half the afternoon.
I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he
makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes
love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be
crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other
and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long
time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but
I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at
her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally
she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked
anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell
the difference.