Talking dog

[Fran]

A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks the dog.

"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten euros," the man says.

"Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****e."

[kitkatman]

best i've heard today, saying that, its the only one :D

[Bosun]

:D :D :D :p

[churchill]

cousin paddys a right one for the blarney :p

[weesis]

pmsl! liked that! :D

[Sludge Van Diesel]

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot". So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?" "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat"s moch batter, how moch is dare den?" The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."

(Wait for it............)







"Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand! "

[pyro]

Was that the same talking dog that went into a job centre and asked for a job?
The guy behind the counter said "Hey I can get into the circus, you could make a fortune!"
Puzzled the dog replied "What would a circus want with a plumber?"

[Sludge Van Diesel]

I have a Labrador retriever, and was buying a large bag of Purina at Petsmart and was in line to check out.

The woman behind me asked if I had a dog? (Duh!)

On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time. But I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your trouser pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me!

[pyro]

fecking brill, I have just nicked that story and charged £20 for it on another forum.

[Gray]

I have a Labrador retriever, and was buying a large bag of Purina at Petsmart and was in line to check out.

The woman behind me asked if I had a dog? (Duh!)

On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time. But I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your trouser pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me!

That is an absolute feckin beaut !! :D

[Trikerbiker]

Or.......I parked up in a disabled space in Tescos carpark and the security guard shouted after me "Oi you shouldn't be parking there - What's your disability?" "Tourettes" I said, "So F*ck off you W*nker!!!" :D

[John Hopkins]

Very original Sludge, I think you must have told me that one before! :D John