Dear Agony Aunt

[Bosun]

Dear agony aunts
I’m wondering why the girlfriend aint impressed with me
Today being payday (at last) and feeling all romantic like
I thought I would offer her an evening of candlelight
(I really must put some money in the meter) gastronomic delights
(Or at least a bag of scratchings from the chippie with a pickeld egg)
Washed down with sevearl cans of harp lager I found in the reduced bein at the co-op.
And followed by mars bars (kingsize 3 for £1.20 in the BP)
And music, treat her to someof RM’s NIN
The response was not polite, and physically impossible I think
Do you think I should have offered a bottle of vimto as well?
Thank you
Worried of Surrey

[bill?]

Dear Worried of Surrey,

I Don't think you should have introduced exotic food stuffs like pickled eggs at such an early stage, god only knows how she would have reacted to a pickled walnut! and I also think the bottle of vimto would have been a tad over the top, netto's blackcurrent would have been just right for this occasion.

Aunty bill?



when the world laughs at you I'll join in....

[Huw Beer Monster]

Dear Worried of Surrey,

The answer is fairly clear from the events you describe.

Your girlfriend is obviously female. As a female, she is by her very nature argumentative and whatever you did, she would find a fault with it.

Learn to live with criticism and your relationship will flourish.

Also learn to say "Yes, Dear" at every break in her conversations at you.

[krammer]

dear worried of surrey. why not treat the lady(?) in question to one of your famous fried egg sandwiches, with a spot of ketchup (not brown sauce though because if she likes the daddies it's a sure sign of lesbianism) washed down with a beaker of dandelion and burcdock. romance, dead? never.

[dracken1]

by huw beer monster
Your girlfriend is obviously female

he does'nt actually say that!!!!.

imagine any of us going to a dinner at bucks palace, we would be totally out of place (except td who is a bit of a queen i've heard :) )
well she prob feels the same.
you have tried to push her into such an exotic lifestyle far to early in the relationship.
take it more slowly. don't let her see your mum combing your hair for you,don't stick her head under the duvet then fart. some girls don't like it you know..

[Bosun]

i have just realised where i have been going wrong
my girlfriend doesnt like eggs, and ive only been with her 2 1/2 years

i shall try plan 2 and go for marmalade sandwiches#

thanks for the tip on duvets sounds fun

[Fran]

Dear Worried of Surrey,

The answer is fairly clear from the events you describe.

Your girlfriend is obviously female. As a female, she is by her very nature argumentative and whatever you did, she would find a fault with it.

Learn to live with criticism and your relationship will flourish.

Also learn to say "Yes, Dear" at every break in her conversations at you.
Got to disagree with you there...I've never found fault with any offer that had a mars bar in it!!! :D

[Huw Beer Monster]

Got to disagree with you there...I've never found fault with any offer that had a mars bar in it!!! :D

Marianne Faithfull is alive and well and living in Edinburgh...

[Huw Beer Monster]

Your girlfriend is obviously female
he does'nt actually say that!!!!.


So he's dating Nadia from Big Brother?

[Tiger Lily]

Perhaps whilst @ said chippy you shoulda got ya mars bars fried in batter, Hmmmm, how could she have refused.... :D

[Dougie]

Marianne Faithfull is alive and well and living in Edinburgh...
Ho!You callin' me Mick Jagger? :eek:

[madastoast]

Dear worried of surrey,
Try not to worry too much maybe you should offer a back massage or a head massage this invariably takes the edge off any ire that may be felt towards you.
If this fails fuck off down the pub and you wont give a **** when you get back :D

[Nitrowing]

by huw beer monster
don't stick her head under the duvet then fart. some girls don't like it you know..
Really? I thought all of my ex-girlfriends enjoyed that :o

[Rogue Monkey]

Dear worried of Surrey,
Perhaps it was the pickled eggs! According to Monkeys book of etiquette and social repotoir (Rogue Monkey. 2004. HMSO) one should never serve pickled eggs before Mars bars, to do so is a social misdemenour, but to offer canned lager AFTER wine is considered highly offensive in certain echelons of decent society! I do hope this is of some help to you.
Devoid of brian cells
Manchester.

[madastoast]

Did anyone notice RM didn't offer the biscuit tin at any time in that reply that must be monkey etiquette rule 1:- try everything else before trying the biscuits :D :D

[Rogue Monkey]

I demand first chonk on the biscuits! :mad: :D

[Rogue Monkey]

Yai! It is written. The holy biscuits are the dominion of the Monkey and no other shall take of the biscuits less they be cast hence and forever dammned to the lower burbury patterns of Chav! :o

[madastoast]

So thats not in the give an take part of a relationship then RM :D

[Bosun]

So thats not in the give an take part of a relationship then RM :D


that the man gives and wife ( now ex) takes bit then :D

i thank you all and bow to you superior ettiqette advice

a top deck shandy and suzi q's rock n roll programme sabved the day ;)

[Rogue Monkey]

Glad ya add a good time dude! Down devil gate drive! :D

[Friar Tuck]

that the man gives and wife ( now ex) takes bit then :D

i thank you all and bow to you superior ettiqette advice

a top deck shandy and suzi q's rock n roll programme sabved the day ;)

Glad to see the publication "Ewokandtuck's Art of Seduction" Came in handy. now would you be so kind as to cough up for it, mmm?

[Bosun]

Glad to see the publication "Ewokandtuck's Art of Seduction" Came in handy. now would you be so kind as to cough up for it, mmm?


you rotter you put VAT on.. theres no VAT on books you know that..

left alone to fend the store and FT gets over keen...




** goes off muttering wondering if his pen will have enough ink for the amount of "0"'s he has to write on the cheque**

[Friar Tuck]

Ahem! You know the score! No Cheques! Strictly cash and I'll drop the VAT!

[krammer]

Glad ya add a good time dude! Down devil gate drive! :D you took her up the devil gate drive? on the first date?..... wow!

[Mad Dog]

Dear worried of Surrey:-

Leave the toilet seat up and wear yer socks to bed.

That'll show her who's boss. :D

[Sir Ewok]

Dear worried of Surrey, Ignore all these amatuers, as Drs Ewok and Tuck have never franchised their agony columns.

Firstly dig up the patio and dig a pit aprox. 6ft deep by 6ft long anf 3 ft wide. Invite said female to tea and drown her in the soup. Next post all her credit cards, chequebooks and cash, along with yours and house deeds where appropriate to us. Bury her in the holee and then cover with the slabs. Send all your wages to us for the next three weeks and then give yourself up to the police. REMEMBER it was you idea and nothing to do with us, you could try blaming the voices, but definately not us. You will then be sent to prison for around 15 years, where your sex life will be invigorated on regular basis. :eek: :eek: eek:

[Bosun]

Dear worried of Surrey:-

Leave the toilet seat up and wear yer socks to bed.

That'll show her who's boss. :D
errrrrr she does that already :)

[Bosun]

Ahem! You know the score! No Cheques! Strictly cash and I'll drop the VAT!
piggy bank is wincing as i type

[Bosun]

QUOTE=Sir Ewok Dear worried of Surrey, Ignore all these amatuers, as Drs Ewok and Tuck have never franchised their agony columns.

Firstly dig up the patio Parents may not like thisand dig a pit aprox. 6ft deep by 6ft long anf 3 ft wide. Invite said female to tea and drown her in the soupyuk soup.. as shes blind i can just point her in the direction of said hole. Next post all her credit cards, chequebooks and cash, along with yours and house deeds where appropriate to us.usual po box? Bury her in the holee and then cover with the slabs. Send all your wages to us for the next three weeks awkward get paid monthlyand then give yourself up to the police. REMEMBER it was you idea and nothing to do with us, you could try blaming the voices, but definately not us. You will then be sent to prison for around 15 years, where your sex life will be invigorated is that with your friend roger?on regular basis. :eek: :eek: eek:/QUOTE

[madastoast]

Another idea is take her for a nice ride in a boat make sure she wears that number with the deep pockets (you know the one she usually wears when you go out) fill pockets with rocks while she is looking for huey over the side of the boat. when a suitable amount of rocks are in said pockets rock the boat until she accidentally falls overboard.Leave the scene as rapidly as possible (another great idea from the Acme spouse removal guide 1936) :D

[Bosun]

(another great idea from the Acme spouse removal guide 1936)



anyone know if thats still in print?

[Sir Ewok]

The 2005 update is available through WH Ewokandtuck Newsagents (who would escape on an Omnibus or horseless carriagenowdays). A snip at £7,000.29 + all the usual taxes etc. Don't forget to insure her through Geatout Clause Insurance (A subsiduary of Ewokandtuck Financial Services) and yourself against a guilty verdict (Pays out 5 phone cards. 40 fags and an ounce of baccy a week) or our premium service that includes an eigth of draw/week. Prices on application.

[Bosun]

seems reasonable and cheaper than solicitors

[Mrs Reject]

Dear worried of Surrey:-

Leave the toilet seat up and wear yer socks to bed.

That'll show her who's boss. :D

Dear worried of Surrey

When she slams the toilet seat down on your knob then YOU will know who's boss :D
Also some of us insist that our men wear socks in bed as their feet are cold :)

[Friar Tuck]

I've just had this vision of Mitch with nothing on but socks! :eek:

I now need counselling! :(

[Bosun]

I've just had this vision of Mitch with nothing on but socks! :eek:

I now need counselling! :(


especially with sock suspenders