Violetmay
17-04-2006, 05:02 PM
> >> Airline cabin announcements
> >>
> >>
> >> All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort
> >> to make the in flight announcements a bit more entertaining.
> >>
> >> Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
> >>
> >> 1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned
> >> seating, you just sit where
> >> you want) passengers were apparently having a hard
> >> time choosing, when a
> >> flight attendant announced, "People, people we're
> >> not picking out
> >> furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
> >>
> >> 2 On a Continental Flight with a very "senior"
> >> flight attendant! crew,
> >> the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've
> >> reached cruising altitude
> >> and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is
> >> for your comfort and
> >> to enhance the appearance of your flight
> >> attendants."
> >>
> >> 3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure
> >> to take all of your
> >> belongings. If you're going to leave anything,
> >> please make sure it's
> >> something we'd like to have.
> >>
> >> 4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but
> >> there are only 4 ways
> >> out of this airplane"
> >>
> >> 5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
> >> hope you enjoyed
> >> giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
> >> you for a ride."
> >>
> >> As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
> >> Ronald Reagan, a lone
> >> voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
> >> WHOA!"
> >>
> >> 7. After a particularly rough landing during
> >> thunderstorms in Memphis, a
> >> flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
> >> "Please take care when
> >> opening the overhead compartments because, after a
> >> landing like that,
> >> sure as hell everything has shifted."
> >>
> >> 8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome
> >> aboard Southwest Flight
> >> 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the
> >> metal tab into the
> >> buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
> >> other seat belt; and,
> >> if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
> >> shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
> >>
> >> 9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
> >> pressure, masks will descend
> >> from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask,
> >> and pull it over your
> >> face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
> >> secure your mask
> >> before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling
> >> with more than one
> >> small child, pick your favorite."
> >>
> >> 10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with
> >> some broken clouds,
> >> but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
> >> Thank you, and
> >> remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more
> >> than Southwest Airlines."
> >>
> >> 11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation;
> >> and, in the event ! of
> >> an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore
> >> and take them with
> >> our compliments."
> >>
> >> 12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all
> >> of your belongings.
> >> Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
> >> among the flight
> >> attendants. Please do not leave children or
> >> spouses."
> >>
> >> 13. And from the pilot during his welcome message:
> >> "Delta Airlines is
> >> pleased to have some of the best flight attendants
> >> in the industry.
> >> Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
> >>
> >> 14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very
> >> hard landing in Salt
> >> Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom
> >> and said, "That was
> >> quite a bump! , and I know what y'all are thinking.
> >> I'm here to tell you
> >> it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the
> >> pilot's fault, it wasn't
> >> the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
> >>
> >> 15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
> >> Amarillo, Texas, on a
> >> particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final
> >> approach, the Captain
> >> was really having to fight it. After an extremely
> >> hard landing, the
> >> Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
> >> welcome to Amarillo.
> >> Please remain in your seats with your seat belts
> >> fastened while the
> >> Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
> >> gate!"
> >>
> >> 16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less
> >> than perfect landing:
> >> "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
> >> Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
> >>
> >> 17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular
> >> flight he had
> >> hammered his ship into the runway really hard.. The
> >> airline had a policy
> >> which required the first officer to stand at the
> >> door while the
> >> Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks
> >> for flying our
> >> airline." He said that, in light of his bad
> >> landing, he had a hard time
> >> looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that
> >> someone would have a
> >> smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off
> >> except for a little old
> >> lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you
> >> mind if I ask you a
> >> question?" "Why, no, Ma'! am," said the pilot. "What
> >> is it?" The little
> >> old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
> >>
> >> 18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix,
> >> the attendant came on
> >> with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your
> >> seats until Capt.
> >> Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
> >> screeching halt
> >> against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
> >> cleared and the warning
> >> bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can
> >> pick your way
> >> through the wreckage to the terminal."
> >>
> >> 19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival
> >> announcement: "We'd like to
> >> thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the
> >> next time you get the
> >> insane urge to go blasting through the! skies in a
> >> pressurized metal
> >> tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
> >>
> >> 20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies
> >> and gentlemen, if you
> >> wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane
> >> is on the wing and
> >> if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
> >>
> >> 21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.
> >> After it reached a
> >> comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
> >> announcement over the
> >> intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
> >> captain speaking. Welcome
> >> to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los
> >> Angeles. The weather
> >> ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a
> >> smooth and uneventful
> >> flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" > > Silence followed,
> >> and
> >> after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
> >> intercom and said,
> >> "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared
> >> you earlier.. While I
> >> was talking to you, the flight attendant
> >> accidentally spilled a cup of
> >> hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of
> >> my pants!" A passenger then yelled out, "That's nothing.
> >>
> >> You should see the back of mine."
> >>
> >>
> >> All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort
> >> to make the in flight announcements a bit more entertaining.
> >>
> >> Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
> >>
> >> 1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned
> >> seating, you just sit where
> >> you want) passengers were apparently having a hard
> >> time choosing, when a
> >> flight attendant announced, "People, people we're
> >> not picking out
> >> furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
> >>
> >> 2 On a Continental Flight with a very "senior"
> >> flight attendant! crew,
> >> the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've
> >> reached cruising altitude
> >> and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is
> >> for your comfort and
> >> to enhance the appearance of your flight
> >> attendants."
> >>
> >> 3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure
> >> to take all of your
> >> belongings. If you're going to leave anything,
> >> please make sure it's
> >> something we'd like to have.
> >>
> >> 4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but
> >> there are only 4 ways
> >> out of this airplane"
> >>
> >> 5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
> >> hope you enjoyed
> >> giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
> >> you for a ride."
> >>
> >> As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
> >> Ronald Reagan, a lone
> >> voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
> >> WHOA!"
> >>
> >> 7. After a particularly rough landing during
> >> thunderstorms in Memphis, a
> >> flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
> >> "Please take care when
> >> opening the overhead compartments because, after a
> >> landing like that,
> >> sure as hell everything has shifted."
> >>
> >> 8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome
> >> aboard Southwest Flight
> >> 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the
> >> metal tab into the
> >> buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
> >> other seat belt; and,
> >> if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
> >> shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
> >>
> >> 9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
> >> pressure, masks will descend
> >> from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask,
> >> and pull it over your
> >> face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
> >> secure your mask
> >> before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling
> >> with more than one
> >> small child, pick your favorite."
> >>
> >> 10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with
> >> some broken clouds,
> >> but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
> >> Thank you, and
> >> remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more
> >> than Southwest Airlines."
> >>
> >> 11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation;
> >> and, in the event ! of
> >> an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore
> >> and take them with
> >> our compliments."
> >>
> >> 12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all
> >> of your belongings.
> >> Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
> >> among the flight
> >> attendants. Please do not leave children or
> >> spouses."
> >>
> >> 13. And from the pilot during his welcome message:
> >> "Delta Airlines is
> >> pleased to have some of the best flight attendants
> >> in the industry.
> >> Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
> >>
> >> 14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very
> >> hard landing in Salt
> >> Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom
> >> and said, "That was
> >> quite a bump! , and I know what y'all are thinking.
> >> I'm here to tell you
> >> it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the
> >> pilot's fault, it wasn't
> >> the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
> >>
> >> 15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
> >> Amarillo, Texas, on a
> >> particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final
> >> approach, the Captain
> >> was really having to fight it. After an extremely
> >> hard landing, the
> >> Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
> >> welcome to Amarillo.
> >> Please remain in your seats with your seat belts
> >> fastened while the
> >> Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
> >> gate!"
> >>
> >> 16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less
> >> than perfect landing:
> >> "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
> >> Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
> >>
> >> 17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular
> >> flight he had
> >> hammered his ship into the runway really hard.. The
> >> airline had a policy
> >> which required the first officer to stand at the
> >> door while the
> >> Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks
> >> for flying our
> >> airline." He said that, in light of his bad
> >> landing, he had a hard time
> >> looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that
> >> someone would have a
> >> smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off
> >> except for a little old
> >> lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you
> >> mind if I ask you a
> >> question?" "Why, no, Ma'! am," said the pilot. "What
> >> is it?" The little
> >> old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
> >>
> >> 18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix,
> >> the attendant came on
> >> with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your
> >> seats until Capt.
> >> Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
> >> screeching halt
> >> against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
> >> cleared and the warning
> >> bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can
> >> pick your way
> >> through the wreckage to the terminal."
> >>
> >> 19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival
> >> announcement: "We'd like to
> >> thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the
> >> next time you get the
> >> insane urge to go blasting through the! skies in a
> >> pressurized metal
> >> tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
> >>
> >> 20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies
> >> and gentlemen, if you
> >> wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane
> >> is on the wing and
> >> if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
> >>
> >> 21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.
> >> After it reached a
> >> comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
> >> announcement over the
> >> intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
> >> captain speaking. Welcome
> >> to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los
> >> Angeles. The weather
> >> ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a
> >> smooth and uneventful
> >> flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" > > Silence followed,
> >> and
> >> after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
> >> intercom and said,
> >> "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared
> >> you earlier.. While I
> >> was talking to you, the flight attendant
> >> accidentally spilled a cup of
> >> hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of
> >> my pants!" A passenger then yelled out, "That's nothing.
> >>
> >> You should see the back of mine."