Jokes

[Rabid]

Lets brighten the day up a bit


A small boy was lost at a large shopping precinct.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my Dad!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big boobs".



FAX: To My Dear Wife,

"You will surely understand that I have certain needs that being with a 54-year old you can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this fax, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed I shall be back home before midnight".

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table. "My Dear Husband, I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I too am very happy with you and value you as a good husband. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also 18 years old.

"As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 more often than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be back until lunchtime tomorrow".

[Rogue Monkey]

:D ............. :p

[Rabid]

Q. Why is it so bad being an egg?
A. You only get laid once, eaten once, it takes 15 minutes to get
hard, 3 minutes to go soft, and the only chick who will sit on your
face is your mother.

Q. What do you call a Serbian prostitute?
A. Sloberdown Mycockyoubitch.

Q. Why did the pervert cross the road?
A. He had his willy stuck in the chicken.

Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
A. It's not as difficult to sleep with the light on.

Q. What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A. Full.

Q. Why doesn't Barbie get pregnant?
A. Because Ken comes in a different box.

Q. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q. What's the difference between a 69 and driving in fog?
A. Driving in fog you can never see the arsehole in front of you.

Q. What is the difference between a prostitute and a bumpy road?
A. The bumpy road knackers your tyres and the prostitute tires your
knackers.

Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mum.

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Charlie wanted a watch for Christmas, so his parents let him.

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

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Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the back
streets of Amsterdam one late afternoon. As it gets closer to dusk the
increasing darkness makes one of the girls a little nervous.

She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this
way before."

"I know, it's the cobblestones."

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A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be sitting next
to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he
notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her
about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the
longest average length and Polish men have the biggest average
diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

"Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

[JOE]

2 condoms are walking down a street and go past a gay bar, one turns to the other an' says "fancy goin' inside an' gettin' **** faced?"

[Born2bVile]

Two piles of puke walking down the road, when one says 'I feel all nostalgic, I was brought up round here'.

Cheers,

Byrnie.

[Jay]

Why are Pirates called Pirates?


Because they AAARRRRRRRRRRRE :o

[Huw Beer Monster]

<stops>
<holds Jay down>
*whistle*
Oi, Mr Wilkinson, can you just kick this person into the next county please?
*BOOT*
*wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*
<keeps on walking>

[Jay]

<stops>
<holds Jay down>
*whistle*
Oi, Mr Wilkinson, can you just kick this person into the next county please?
*BOOT*
*wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*
<keeps on walking>

You aint kiddin no-one pal.....you'll be telling that to everyone you know....just wait and see.

[FLACCID]

Walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ploughmans lunch.The landlord was amazed and asked the duck what he was doing in the neighbourhood."Working over the road at that big building site."The duck replied.Over the next 2 weeks the duck came in for his pint and ploughmans every day.One evening a rather elegant gentleman walked into the pub,ordered a scotch and asked the landlord if he'd put up one of his circus posters.The landlord told the circus guy all about the talking duck."Give the duck this card and tell him that I'd like him to work for me."Said the guy.Next day the duck came in as usual and the landlord told him all about the bloke from the circus offering him a job.The duck said,"he wants me at his circus?"The landlord said yes."You mean a circus with acrobats,animals,and a big canvas tent with a hole in the middle?""Yes,Yes!"Said the landlord."What the f#ck does he want with a plasterer?"Said the duck. :D :D :D

[Rabid]

I get my jokes from the hun as well lol

[oggers80]

a woman goes into a music shop and asks for a mouse organ. the bloke says no, dont you mean mouth organ? the woman leaves empty handed. a bit later on another woman walks in and again asks for a mouse organ. the bloke says no, werent you in here earlier? no, she says,that must have been our monica :p

[Bosun]

I get my jokes from the hun as well lol


i thought we told you dont mention the war!!

i did once but think i got away with it

[saxman]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him,
"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".
"At the circus", says the landlord.
"The circus?", the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the landlord.
"The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!", says the landlord.
The duck looks confused, "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?"

[Dusty]

not as funny as the first time it was posted.. :o

[Rabid]

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waistline.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing some kind of “barrier method" can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my bike?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places
where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, a backhoe, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. Or a fighter jet over the desert in Kuwait. When my Agent Orange or other things I have been exposed to start acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[Rabid]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
********POOF****** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.
*******POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
******POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.

[Rabid]

The Prime Minister was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the lawn at No.10 to spell out "The Prime Minister Sucks." Infuriated, he called on the MI5 to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.
"The bad news is that the urine is from the Gordon Brown."
"How could hedo this to me? What could be worse than this?"
"The handwriting's is Cheries."
:eek:

[Bosun]

As seen in the cannibal gazetteThe Bride and Groom were toasted and Were Delicious
Cannibal mother to son Just 'cos your father was tough when he was alive, There's no need to leave him on the side of your plate
Cannibal mother to teenage daughter. If your father could see you now he'd be turning in his gravy


** fayji reguritator of old jokes**

[Rogue Monkey]

A guy walks into a bar and buys a drink. Not long after an old drunk wanders accross and puts his arm round im an sez "Yer mother fucks like a rabbit"! The bar goes quiet as the guy turns round, looks at the old geezer, and carrys on drinkin his pint! The old drunk goes away. Half a pint later the old drunk comes back t guy at bar an sez " Yer mother sucks cock"! The bar goes quiet! The guy looks at the old git, an turns back to his pint and carrys on drinkin. Everybody looks at each other and shakes their heads! A pint later the guys sittin there at bar drinkin his drink, when up sildles the old drunk again......bar goes quiet....old bugger sez...yer mother likes it up her ass!....the guy gets off his stool...turns to face the old git an sez.......GO home DAD yer DRUNK...... :D

[Shudy]

What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?





An Egg!!

[Tim750]

A Guy walks into a sex shop and asks the assistant for a sex doll. The assistant replies with would you like a regular sex doll or a Muslim one? the guy replied with whats the difference? The assisant says the only difference is the Muslim one blows itself up :D





...I'll Get me coat then

[Bosun]

What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?





An Egg!!


chicken and an egg in be together the chicken, smoking a fag, looks at the egg and says ..... guess that answers the question then..

[Shudy]

What do Paula Radcliffe and Adolf Hitler have in common?

Neither could finish a race off.

[DyNasty]

So, this redneck walks into a bar and throws his pet alligator up onto the table an' says "I'll put my package in this critters' mouth for one minute, if y'all buy me a round of drinks...'
Everybody figures this is great entertainment, so they take him up on it.

So, ol' Billy Bob stretches open the Gators' mouth an' unzips his overalls...Then proceeds to lay his goods in the Gators' mouth. The gator closes his mouth on Billy Bob' package an' the crowd goes silent, waitin' for the screamin' to start...
Well, after a minute, ol' Billy Bob fixes to get free, but the Gator has him in a tight grip, so Billy Bob reaches over, grabs a beer bottle an' smacks the gator on the head. THe Gator immediately realeases Billy Bob, much to the crowds relief...
So they all buy Billy Bob his round of drinks.

'Bout 2 hours later, a somewhat drunk ol' Billy Bob jumps up on the table an' says "I'll offer $100.00 bucks to whoever can do the same thing!"
-From the end of the bar, this blond says...."Alright, but you don't need to smack me on the head with a beer bottle!" :p

[Bosun]

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. It was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" as he pointed to the bowl. "Oh yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease. And do you know -- I haven't had a cold all winter!"